There are people and relationships even friendships that are a complete waste of energy, you sit there and you wonder how someone can be so selfish, so self-centred and still breath! (Forgive my sarcasm).
Anyway-I actually sat down with myself and wondered why we put up with people like this, we allow them into our lives, we allow them into our sacred spaces-we invite them in our most vulnerable moments thinking that they are our most trusted and reliable friends-only to get a huge reality slap across the face that ,actually, you have been in this relationship alone.
So, let me speak for myself.
It’s very hard for me to let someone go-very very difficult because I don’t give 50% of my heart- I usually give 100% of my heart. I know people can hurt you blah blah blah but why live in fear? Why be a victim of past relationships by applying what someone did to you back then in a friendship you have now? With that said-unfortunately some people don’t value other people’s hearts, some people really don’t even know how to preciously look after a person’s heart.
There are people in this world who are so self-absorbed that they really struggle to appreciate what they are given. I am not here to be all self-righteous because you know what-I have done it too, the only difference is that those people never confronted me about it,but that doesn’t make me a saint -just to get that disclaimer out of the way.
Can I be real, please? Judgement aside.
I have become a victim of my own generosity of love. I have never realised how much time and patience it takes to love someone who continuously hurts you. There are friends in our lives who we keep because to let them go feels like letting go of ourselves, it feels more consuming to let things go as opposed to leaving the cancer to keep growing.
My husband said something so profound to me the other time-he said walking away doesn’t have to be an active process-you don’t always have to call someone and end things-just accept that the person you had hoped to grow more together in the friendship with is not as expectant as you are-allow the process to undergo itself passively.
Basically what he meant was that part of walking away can be passive-it doesn’t need to be this aggressive thing whereby you lay out all the faults the other person did, but you can mourn what the friendship could have become and just distance yourself quietly and allow the process of walking away to be a passive one.
So, I listened to this loving man and my friends and I have so much peace.
It is so draining sometimes to confront people and lay out their faults and lambaste them over their shortcomings-its actually more difficult and time-consuming to introspect and try to understand how the breakdown happened initially, how your own expectations may have been overbearing for the other person to maintain, also, how maybe you allowed the breakdown to happen yourself by not confronting issues that could have been solved a long time ago-but instead, brushed them under the carpet.
I am in the process of walking away from some of my friendships, passively. It’s liberating because for the first time I can actually see that the other person is actually content with not keeping contact, I can actually see that someone I thought was a friend-is actually an acquaintance – here I am was trying to force this person with my expectations to be my friend, but actually they were an acquaintance all along.
The saddest part about this process is hoping that the other person will see that you are walking away-the hope can get very heavy but each day you realise that you didn’t mean as much to that person as they meant to you.
I have moments when I get angry because I struggle to fathom how someone can be quiet when so much was invested in what I thought was OUR friendship. There are moments when I want to shut others out who are generously giving me their hearts because I am so beat up from watching a friendship demise before my eyes.
Essentially, I am learning something new about myself-it is OK to mourn. It is OK to accept that some people just don’t want to be your friend. It is OK to feel really let down by someone you thought you had a future with…it’s OK to walk away silently and cherish what the friendship was instead of what it could have been.
I don’t know what divorce feels like-but I can imagine, it’s a long drawn out process filled with papers and finger-pointing BUT when the files have been put away, the settlements drawn and the person you once called ‘husband’ or ‘wife’-stares at you with cold emotionless eyes as if the last years you spent meant nothing-man, I can totally imagine how hard picking yourself up and walking away from that feels like.
Walking away is so hard because the little dignity and strength you have left feels like nothing when you remember how much time and sweat was poured out into this person.
I want to encourage you with this, even if you must crawl out of toxic friendships-do it! Rather move slowly and quietly knowing that at least you still have yourself remaining; rather walk away passively knowing that you aren’t stuck in something that never was-imagine that?
Rather walk away knowing that you matter to someone-you matter to yourself!
You matter to God.