I DON’T LIKE YOU!

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I struggle to understand why we hurt ourselves so much by doing this-forcing people to like us.  I want you to take the time to think about someone you dislike, is there ANYTHING that person can do to make you like them? Chances are…nothing right? Then why bother trying to be liked by someone who dislikes you?

We spend energy, time, and sometimes money impressing people who really don’t get moved by our presence. Think about that, their lives don’t get moved by your presence-meaning they don’t even acknowledge your existence! They really don’t care about you-but there you are breaking your back forcing yourself to be liked when essentially-you aren’t!

Let me ask you again, why do you bother?

You bother because you want affirmation: you want to be acknowledged by them, they hold some power over your life and you want to feel accepted, loved and normal. Someone out there holds your value in their hands because you have given your value over to them.

 What if someone valued you so much that they weren’t moved by your mistakes or any flaws that form who you are?

Thing is beloved you already ARE loved, you already ARE accepted and most of all Jesus doesn’t even want anything in return. You are loved unconditionally, no river is too wide, ocean too deep, mountain too high to express the depth, height, and width that is found in God’s love.

If you are cheapening yourself by thinking that you can buy acceptance then you are living a lie. Emotions can’t be bought, they are felt.Love cannot be expressed only- it is experienced.

When people love you their actions will demonstrate what’s in their hearts.

STOP focusing on people who are blocking your progression, if someone doesn’t like you, please send them off with a a basket full of goodies for their journey, why be bitter when they are creating space for a truckload of blessings?

Get to a point in your life whereby people’s departure out of your life doesn’t cause you to have a breakdown.

Always assess, if you did all you could and were not at fault-PLEASE open the front door FOR THEM and wish them well.

Let go of what needs to go and embrace what is coming to bless you.

You are enough
You are loved
You are priceless, treat yourself as such

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Letting go

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This is a reflective piece, I am really in a good place-almost bitter but definitely sweet. I feel like I have woken up-you know struggles sometimes can cause you to have a warped view of life-to the point that you don’t even see what God has given you.

My character was shaped this year,wow! I feel like I was in a furnace-like everything I held to was burnt right off me, all the people I thought were important to me turned to ashes right before my eyes, I was left vulnerable at times-but in all that God just reassured me to stay focused on Him, to trust him with his process concerning my life.

I am honestly a better version of myself, I say this because I don’t hold onto things like I used to, I don’t beg people to stay in my life anymore-it’s liberating to hold people in your life with an open palm so that they always know that when it’s time to go-they can always fly off. I don’t believe in failed friendships anymore-I am not a failure, I have learnt to eliminate that word from my vocabulary-instead I choose to see it as me having opened my heart and that person for whatever reason chose to live out their life without me-I didn’t leave , so how is it that I failed?  I am done with such labels.

I laugh more now-I laugh deeply and loudly, I have learnt to let myself go-to truly enjoy Fez, to feel her and embrace her. I give myself second, third and fourth chances, I speak kindly to myself, I eat without judging myself-I enjoy every bite of that burger and that lick from that ice cream. I held onto being skinny for so long and at the same time I didn’t realise how sad I was becoming-sad that I was holding onto a physique that just isn’t me. I exercise and leave with a smile afterwards, I eat salads because I want to not because I am holding onto something that drains me. I don’t pound myself over things I am not good at, I celebrate the things I am good at, I celebrate those who are good at the things I am not-without feeling envious or inferior!

I am honestly in a beautiful place-I am living, I am smiling, I am doing ME.

I decided to let go of certain social media portals, I have Facebook on my own terms ( I purposefully chose to have no friends on it because personally my friends live life with me, so I don’t have spectators as friends).

I thank God for my marriage-it has grounded me, we don’t stifle each other-we give each other room to grow. I am growing in my marriage-my husband is my biggest cheerleader-he allows me to be myself, he gives me room to make my own mistakes without judging me. I stopped trying to control things, I stopped striving to have my marriage look like someone else’s and I started enjoying the mould it was becoming. I don’t feel the need to shove it in people’s faces either-I have let go of posting everything under the guise that we are happy-I’m done with the hashtag life because why hashtag when I can actually live out my reality?

You may be reading this and maybe you are thinking that this is a self-affirming post, well-it is, I mean why look for affirmation out there when I can give it myself? That’s why we don’t let people go when it’s their time to go because we use them sometimes to fill holes that are gaping in our lives and when they don’t, we feel like they don’t value us! My dear-learn to value yourself first, once you do that-you will never NEED people to tell you what you should be telling yourself.

Get a pen, a piece of paper and start writing down all the things that you don’t need anymore, if a friendship is getting too hard to maintain-leave, love yourself enough to leave. Don’t expect someone to love you if you aren’t loving yourself-if you are complaining about a partner that never appreciates you-well, have you appreciated yourself enough to confront them that you deserve better and you will get better if they don’t treat you well? My husband always says that we allow people to do things to us-we permit people we have allowed into our lives to abuse us-I have suffered emotional abuse and he always says: “Fez, you are the problem, not them-you, because you are permitting it.” It’s tough to receive but it’s the truth.

I don’t expand my time on useless things anymore-time is a resource-it isn’t guaranteed but we treat it with such disregard. I am very jealous over my time-I realise that it’s limited and honestly I don’t know when God will permit for it to stop-but whilst his grace has allowed it to keep ticking, I guard it jealously, it goes to people who deserve it-I don’t just throw it around anymore. I am a scarce resource-I am a valuable resource. I love what Paul in the Bible says: don’t think of yourself too highly, he doesn’t say don’t think of yourself highly-he just said too highly. So I think highly of myself-I have to so that I don’t get abused and mistreated, at the same time I always keep humility as my tag team partner because you never know when the too highly starts too creep in (know what I mean, hahahahah).

On a serious note-let things go that don’t build you, let people go whose season in your life is up and lastly let yourself go by starting to live!

I heard this song on the radio the other day and I loved the message – In the words of Nicki Minaj : How dare we sit quietly and watch life pass us by?

Be blessed

 

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He’s gone Fez

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He’s gone Fez

I heard the news that morning. I thought this must be a joke-how can someone who contributed in my life-someone who saw me grow up, someone who was tangibly there-be gone?

He’s gone Fez

I stared at my phone in disbelief, I was overwhelmed by shock and confusion – I didn’t understand what I had just heard- I wanted to scream : “it’s a lie, you are joking!”

He’s gone Fez

I remember thinking but I saw this person two weeks ago-he was walking, smiling, he waved goodbye as if we still have many more years to see each other again not realising that wave was the last goodbye.

He’s gone Fez

I felt like temporary insanity had just attacked me, as I gathered my clothes to leave- I wondered how he died, was he alone, what went through his mind-did he know death was near?

He’s gone Fez

The news was relayed to me-he died painfully but quickly, he died having done all he could to live.

As I stared at his coffin move past me, I felt the tears threaten to escape-they couldn’t flow down on my face-they refused to clothe my face with the pain written in my heart

As I saw the coffin put down into the grave I realised how futile life is-how small human beings are in the sight of God. It dawned on me that we place so much hope in material things, we place so much hope in things that pass away that we forget about the everlasting things.

As he was laid to rest I had compassion for him: I realised that even though he had brought so much hurt in my life-that he had said some brutal things to me,but he was there; he was there for my plays at school, he was there after school to pick me up- he was there for my birthdays, he was there during my awards at school. He was there to hear my stories about my day, he was there when I needed advice.

Though he didn’t know how to raise me, though he struggled to look past the biology that separated us, though we parted painfully,

He was present in my life

He’s gone Fez but never to be forgotten.

The Promises of God

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As I sit typing this I am overwhelmed by the faithfulness of the Lord. We are in the 12th month of the year-the Lord has carried me faithfully. I am overwhelmed by the faithfulness of God-I am in awe of how his promises over my life have manifested and are still manifesting.

I had a tough year this year- I faced financial and physical loss. There were moments I felt like the Lord couldn’t hear my prayers anymore, there were moments I felt so numb-so broken. I remember how my tears became my prayer before the Lord, I cried this year like no other year- I sowed heavily through my tears this year. BUT GOD watered that tear offering and heard my prayers-he answered all my prayers.

Friends-things I asked the Lord for, 6 years ago-I am seeing the manifestation now. I am seeing salvation all around me. People are being led to the Lord.

The most beautiful of these is when my mother gave her life to the Lord Jesus, I led her to the Lord. What a beautiful and powerful moment-that as the fruit of her womb I could lead her to be born again of God. I wish you could capture my heart and how humbled I was when that happened-I still am.

Friends, I lost friendships this year- people I thought were my friends became strangers- in all that God showed me that he has always and will always be my everlasting friend. God brought new friendships in my life with people he chose for me- people who genuinely love me, people who understand me-people who appreciate me.

I am overwhelmed, I have no words-God has been and is still with me.

I have experienced immense favour -I have seen the favour of the Lord overtake me, I have seen God transform the hardest of hearts to become softened just for me. I have stepped in places this year  that I only could access many years from now.

I am boasting about what the Lord has done for me- in my own strength I honestly couldn’t possess what I have-in my own strength I couldn’t rise up like I had this year. Jehovah Shammah is truly present in our lives, he is ever faithful.

Trust in the Lord beloved-remain faithful to Him, he is with you, he will never leave nor forsake you. He promises to repay you for the years that the locust has eaten, he promises that you will have plenty to eat-until you are fully satisfied, he promises that you will not face shame! (Joel 2:25-27)

As I type this God has given us a huge gift this year- he has given me something I honestly would’ve worked my whole life to get. I am humbled that the King of Glory knows our deepest desires and he is faithful to reward us-God owns everything-I am not afraid anymore to ask him for what my heart desires-he is my father after all-he is a bringer of good things, he owns everything!

Trust in the Lord, for surely you will not be put to shame.

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WALKING AWAY

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There are people and relationships even friendships that are a complete waste of energy, you sit there and you wonder how someone can be so selfish, so self-centred and still breath! (Forgive my sarcasm).

Anyway-I actually sat down with myself and wondered why we put up with people like this, we allow them into our lives, we allow them into our sacred spaces-we invite them in our most vulnerable moments thinking that they are our most trusted and reliable friends-only to get a huge reality slap across the face that ,actually, you have been in this relationship alone.

So, let me speak for myself.

It’s very hard for me to let someone go-very very difficult because I don’t give 50% of my heart- I usually give 100% of my heart. I know people can hurt you blah blah blah but why live in fear? Why be a victim of past relationships by applying what someone did to you back then in a friendship you have now? With that said-unfortunately some people don’t value other people’s hearts, some people really don’t even know how to preciously look after a person’s heart.

There are people in this world who are so self-absorbed that they really struggle to appreciate what they are given. I am not here to be all self-righteous because you know what-I have done it too, the only difference is that those people never confronted me about it,but that doesn’t make me a saint -just to get that disclaimer out of the way.

Can I be real, please? Judgement aside.

I have become a victim of my own generosity of love. I have never realised how much time and patience it takes to love someone who continuously hurts you. There are friends in our lives who we keep because to let them go feels like letting go of ourselves, it feels more consuming to let things go as opposed to leaving the cancer to keep growing.

My husband said something so profound to me the other time-he said walking away doesn’t have to be an active process-you don’t always have to call someone and end things-just accept that the person you had hoped to grow more together in the friendship with is not as expectant as you are-allow the process to undergo itself passively.

Basically what he meant was that part of walking away can be passive-it doesn’t need to be this aggressive thing whereby you lay out all the faults the other person did, but you can mourn what the friendship could have become and just distance yourself quietly and allow the process of walking away to be a passive one.

So, I listened to this loving man and my friends and I have so much peace.

It is so draining sometimes to confront people and lay out their faults and lambaste them over their shortcomings-its actually more difficult and time-consuming to introspect and try to understand how the breakdown happened initially, how your own expectations may have been overbearing for the other person to maintain, also, how maybe you allowed the breakdown to happen yourself by not confronting issues that could have been solved a long time ago-but instead, brushed them under the carpet.

I am in the process of walking away from some of my friendships, passively. It’s liberating because for the first time I can actually see that the other person is actually content with not keeping contact, I can actually see that someone I thought was a friend-is actually an acquaintance – here I am was trying to force this person with my expectations to be my friend, but actually they were an acquaintance all along.

The saddest part about this process is hoping that the other person will see that you are walking away-the hope can get very heavy but each day you realise that you didn’t mean as much to that person as they meant to you.

I have moments when I get angry because I struggle to fathom how someone can be quiet when so much was invested in what I thought was OUR friendship. There are moments when I want to shut others out who are generously giving me their hearts because I am so beat up from watching a friendship demise before my eyes.

Essentially, I am learning something new about myself-it is OK to mourn. It is OK to accept that some people just don’t want to be your friend. It is OK to feel really let down by someone you thought you had a future with…it’s OK to walk away silently and cherish what the friendship was instead of what it could have been.

I don’t know what divorce feels like-but I can imagine, it’s a long drawn out process filled with papers and finger-pointing BUT when the files have been put away, the settlements drawn and the person you once called ‘husband’ or ‘wife’-stares at you with cold emotionless eyes as if the last years you spent meant nothing-man, I can totally imagine how hard picking yourself up and walking away from that feels like.

Walking away is so hard because the little dignity and strength you have left feels like nothing when you remember how much time and sweat was poured out into this person.

I want to encourage you with this, even if you must crawl out of toxic friendships-do it! Rather move slowly and quietly knowing that at least you still have yourself remaining; rather walk away passively knowing that you aren’t stuck in something that never was-imagine that?

Rather walk away knowing that you matter to someone-you matter to yourself!

You matter to God.

 

When we exclude God from our relationship

Image result for wrong relationshipI am meeting people who are in relationships that God did not send them to be in. I am meeting people who are miserable in their marriages-they had this idea that marriage was going to be a dream, effortless and instant.

Marriage with the right person is a dream, our problem is that we are becoming an impatient generation- we assess people by having our own check boxes that must be ticked off to fulfill our criteria , we claim to have consulted God but we find that the person we chose fulfills the whole checklist except being grounded in God. We are okay with dating and even marrying people who are not saved, we are okay with sidelining God in the dating process and wonder when the marriage doesn’t work out why God would lead us into that relationship.

The beautiful character of God is that he will never override your decision, we instead choose to be with people who are abusive, we choose to be with people who don’t fulfill their promises to us by allowing them to  strip us of our dignity for a moment’s pleasure.

Marriage is becoming like a drive-through, people want their needs fulfilled at no consideration of the other person; when their needs aren’t fulfilled they go outside and find someone else to fulfill their needs and forget about their vows. Vows don’t mean anything anymore-being bound by your words has no standing anymore.

You might ask- “when did we become like this?”

We became like this the moment we chose to remove God from our decision-making, we became like this the moment we sidelined God in our lives; some of us box God in and expect him to work in every area of our lives except our relationship life-we purposefully exclude God and wonder why that area is failing.

The people who I have spoken to whose relationships didn’t work out say that they suspected that the people they were with were not authentic, most say they knew, but they hoped for change.  I am seeing a pattern being formed-most people knew that the person they were with was not the real deal-so my question then is – why be with someone who God has warned you to stay away from? Why proceed into getting into a spiritual union knowing fully well that this person isn’t the one for you?

God has shown me that I too am not different from the people I am talking about in the above paragraph- I too chose to be with people who God had told me to stay away from and I too made mistakes by thinking that I could change the people I dated to become someone I wanted. God also showed me that the way I was so deceived I even thought that by dragging someone to the altar to receive the Lord Jesus into their lives would lead to all the tick boxes being fulfilled when in actual fact I hadn’t even discerned their heart (and mine) was not even centred on the Lord.

We choose people based on outwardly appearances- we go after the shine and not the heart, we go after the status and not the character, we go after the feelings and neglect the warning signs, we run after how great our Instagram and Facebook feed will look with them instead of chasing after the wisdom of God in discerning their motives. We trade our souls to become the envy of the world, we relentlessly pursue someone who beats us up-physically and emotionally because we believe that we are more valuable as people when we are with them-forgetting about the one true love that relentlessly pursues us even when we willfully walk away to pursue what breaks us.

Beloved, you don’t deserve heartache and abuse. You don’t deserve to be someone’s second-best when God has made you his first choice. My hope for you is to turn to God for help, run back into the arms of your first love-trust Him to lead and guide you again by submitting to his will. The things of God may appear to take time but his timing is purposeful, his timing is perfect.

Only God changes people, only God can tough people;s hearts to be completely transformed.

Hear the Lord’s voice today and make the necessary changes.

( Picture credit : tamcounseling.com)