Brokenness.

I’ve been trying so hard to ignore writing about this specific topic for some time but the Holy Spirit keeps on nudging me to share and help bring healing in your life.

Have you ever felt so broken that you honestly feel like you’ll never ever be whole again? Have you ever felt so broken that you lost hope in ever feeling joy again?

Brokenness has a root, always, sometimes it takes time to find that root but it’s always there. Sometimes we have to search deep – it may even mean going as far back as our childhood to search for why we carry certain feelings and react in a certain way.

I remember a time when I was so deeply broken I actually went into depression, I didn’t know how I was going to come out of that depression all I knew and felt were deep festering wounds-I couldn’t conceal them anymore with makeup, I couldn’t hide them with my personality, I couldnt bury them anymore with my prefectly manicured image, I was dying and like all things that die – they begin to stink. Emotionally I was a mess, I was broken. The root was years and years of disappointment and feelings of rejection from the absence of a prominent figure in my life.

The manifestation of my brokenness was a bravado image – I felt like I didn’t need anyone in my life. The reason I felt like that was because I didn’t want to be disappointed anymore I didn’t want to trust somebody only to be let down again.

The other way my brokenness manifested was was that I took on a martyr role and I just felt that I could do everything by myself and that I didn’t need anybody to help me. I became self-sufficient so that I didn’t have to rely on anyone to help me because I didn’t want to feel rejected again.

There are many ways it manifests, for some its co-dependency: being with somebody who is toxic for you but you continue being in that relationship because you feel like you are fulfilling a need in that person and you feel that the person cannot really exist outside of you; basically they’re good for your self esteem that’s why you’re there. For others it’s being in an abusive relationship( and abuse – mind you- doesn’t have to be only physical) for some people persistently being in that abusive relationship and hearing the abuser apologizing over and over again affirms they’re worth because deep down they struggle with feelings of worthlessness.

Holy Spirit just tapped me on the shoulder and showed me how to deal with brokenness, I want to share that with you so you may be freed from that bondage.

1. Confess what you are broken about, give it a name.

For example: I am broken over my marriage not working out, or I’m broken over how distant we have become with my siblings, or I’m broken over the rape or molestation that I suffered.

2. Who broke you. Give the person a name and imagine that you are talking to them.

For example : X you broke me when you left me. Or Y you broke me when you cheated on me.

3. How did it make you feel when they broke you

Example : Y, when you cheated on me it made me feel unsafe in our relationship, I feel inadequate, I feel hurt over what you did.

4. How did you contribute towards your own brokenness. Yes this is the part that we don’t want to own but knowingly or unknowingly we contribute to it as well.

Example : Y, when you cheated on me I contributed to hurting myself by not leaving, or by not setting up boundaries, or by not being firm enough with you to make you realise that behavior is not allowed.

Lastly – forgive the person and yourself

I forgive you for breaking my heart, I forgive you for leaving me for someone else and I forgive myself for habouring this pain for so long.

You can do this exercise without the person who hurt you being there, even if the person is dead – it doesn’t mean that the wounds they’ve left you with are healed – address it.

Pray that God strengthens you, pray that he opens up all those doors you’ve closed in your heart and even if it hurts – just know that healing is awaiting you and that letting go will bring more joy and peace in your life.

Be blessed. You are loved ♥

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Pressing on…

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I have had to reflect  a lot this year, I have had to ask myself some deep questions; one of those questions was why do I actually believe in God-why do I actually declare Jesus to those I meet?

Worldly pressures at times can throw you in a place whereby walking away from God seems like the better option- holding onto your own strength and might seems better than trusting in a God who says is with you but whom you have never seen! I mean-why am I enduring troubles-why am I being patient in the midst of persecution? Essentially-why do I endure all that I do hoping that tomorrow will be better-what I am hoping for actually?

Friend, have you been so challenged in your life that you feel like everything will shatter around you but for some odd reason-you still continue, you still press on, you don’t understand how you are still moving, but you are just putting one foot in front of the other?

There came a point in my life whereby I asked God how he allowed me to be in the career I am in when at times  it feels like I am being thrown in a cage full of lions-everyday, and he expects me to keep moving-regardless of the trials I face! Sometimes I want to run-but I cannot, sometimes I want to hide-but this force within me says:  you aren’t born to hide, sometimes I want to be complacent but a voice within me says:  do everything as if it is unto me! I have wrestled with God  , I have begged, I have stopped praying, I have fasted for God to take me out, but one thing remained-God said I will overcome!

There are scriptures I read when I was happy and let me tell you something, the word of God sinks even deeper when we are hard-pressed, there is something about pressure that causes our hearts to yield more to God’s word. One of those scriptures was in James where he says we must count it all joy when we face trials of many kinds-for our faith is being made strong ( James 1:2).

Man, if you read that scripture to me a couple of months ago-I would’ve decorated it and posted it on my Facebook page with smiley faces because it sounds really nice, fast track to now- it is as real to me as the air I breath, it is so real because I am realising that my joy truly is not tied to the things of this world-God is allowing me to face what I face so that I can actually disengage my soul from being tied to what my flesh is tied to. The Lord says don’t fear the one who can destroy the flesh-fear the one who can destroy both the soul and flesh( Matthew 10:28).

Essentially I believe in God because truly there are things I have tried to do in my own strength in which I have found myself fail. There are things I have tried to pursue in my own strength only to have those doors closed when I had been so sure that they were opened! God has humbled me in a way only I can understand. I declare his name to those who don’t know it because truly he has transformed my way of thinking. I go through hard times but I always know that I will make it because each and every word he has spoken in the Bible has come true in my life. I have tried and tested the word of God and let me tell you-it is always correct! God’s word can’t fail-it will never fail.

I can go through trials and be hard-pressed knowing deep down that the Lord is holding my hand-he promised to never forsake or leave me.

I may face the lions everyday but none is greater than the Lion of Judah-none has overcome him, I carry his name, I am covered by his blood and I am guided by his spirit! The darkness was overcome more than 2000 years ago-God knows that even if the darkness threatens to consume us-it can’t because it was defeated! He can allow us to face the darkness because he knows that his light is greater and it already consumed it.

I believe because I have seen the Light, I believe because I am a light-I believe because I belong to the Light!

Blessings

 

Fezile, the one whom God loves

 

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It’s Christmas day and I am behind a PC 🙂

I couldn’t go to bed without writing this post-today I went to church and as I was sitting watching the speaker share the message I realised that God gave me life, God gave me time and God has given me love.

As I reflected on what my Saviour has done for me I was filled with tremendous joy. The word says we have every spiritual blessing (Ephesians) and today it hit me that everything the word says I have-I truly have.

As I reflect on my life, I realised that if I were to go to Heaven now-I would have peace, not only  because I would be in my Saviour’s arms-but I would have peace that I used everything the Lord told me to use and I have done what the Lord has said I must do-there is nothing more beautiful than that-to be in the complete will of God.

I used to think that if I had more money or a better house or many cars I would be complete-but friends, Jesus completes me, Jesus is my answer to the world’s deepest pain-Jesus is my everything.

I thank God that when he died for me more than 2000 years ago-he saw Fezile before him and he said I love her so much that I am willing to lay my life down for her. Jesus saw my whole life before him, my mistakes, my failures, my flaws-but even in all that-he still chose to die for me!

I boast of God’s love because honestly that love is the only one that hasn’t demanded me to be anything else than what I am. I know God loves me, I know that I am precious to Him and I know that I matter to Him. I know that when I am sad he feels my pain because he loves me. There isn’t anyone in this world who can ever tell me otherwise concerning God’s heart for me-I can speak confidently of that love because I have a relationship with my Father, I tell him everything and I know he hears every single prayer and he makes every effort to bring comfort and hope my way-because of the love he has for me.

God’s love humbles me because I don’t deserve it BUT he gives it to me regardless.

As we celebrate Christmas-what are you grateful to God for? As you reflect on God’s love for you-how have you grown? How has God’s love changed your life?

Let me know in the comment box below.

Blessings

P.S – If you need prayers concerning anything, just type in “pray” and the minute I see your comment I will pray with you-because YOU matter to God! 

 

 

Letting go

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This is a reflective piece, I am really in a good place-almost bitter but definitely sweet. I feel like I have woken up-you know struggles sometimes can cause you to have a warped view of life-to the point that you don’t even see what God has given you.

My character was shaped this year,wow! I feel like I was in a furnace-like everything I held to was burnt right off me, all the people I thought were important to me turned to ashes right before my eyes, I was left vulnerable at times-but in all that God just reassured me to stay focused on Him, to trust him with his process concerning my life.

I am honestly a better version of myself, I say this because I don’t hold onto things like I used to, I don’t beg people to stay in my life anymore-it’s liberating to hold people in your life with an open palm so that they always know that when it’s time to go-they can always fly off. I don’t believe in failed friendships anymore-I am not a failure, I have learnt to eliminate that word from my vocabulary-instead I choose to see it as me having opened my heart and that person for whatever reason chose to live out their life without me-I didn’t leave , so how is it that I failed?  I am done with such labels.

I laugh more now-I laugh deeply and loudly, I have learnt to let myself go-to truly enjoy Fez, to feel her and embrace her. I give myself second, third and fourth chances, I speak kindly to myself, I eat without judging myself-I enjoy every bite of that burger and that lick from that ice cream. I held onto being skinny for so long and at the same time I didn’t realise how sad I was becoming-sad that I was holding onto a physique that just isn’t me. I exercise and leave with a smile afterwards, I eat salads because I want to not because I am holding onto something that drains me. I don’t pound myself over things I am not good at, I celebrate the things I am good at, I celebrate those who are good at the things I am not-without feeling envious or inferior!

I am honestly in a beautiful place-I am living, I am smiling, I am doing ME.

I decided to let go of certain social media portals, I have Facebook on my own terms ( I purposefully chose to have no friends on it because personally my friends live life with me, so I don’t have spectators as friends).

I thank God for my marriage-it has grounded me, we don’t stifle each other-we give each other room to grow. I am growing in my marriage-my husband is my biggest cheerleader-he allows me to be myself, he gives me room to make my own mistakes without judging me. I stopped trying to control things, I stopped striving to have my marriage look like someone else’s and I started enjoying the mould it was becoming. I don’t feel the need to shove it in people’s faces either-I have let go of posting everything under the guise that we are happy-I’m done with the hashtag life because why hashtag when I can actually live out my reality?

You may be reading this and maybe you are thinking that this is a self-affirming post, well-it is, I mean why look for affirmation out there when I can give it myself? That’s why we don’t let people go when it’s their time to go because we use them sometimes to fill holes that are gaping in our lives and when they don’t, we feel like they don’t value us! My dear-learn to value yourself first, once you do that-you will never NEED people to tell you what you should be telling yourself.

Get a pen, a piece of paper and start writing down all the things that you don’t need anymore, if a friendship is getting too hard to maintain-leave, love yourself enough to leave. Don’t expect someone to love you if you aren’t loving yourself-if you are complaining about a partner that never appreciates you-well, have you appreciated yourself enough to confront them that you deserve better and you will get better if they don’t treat you well? My husband always says that we allow people to do things to us-we permit people we have allowed into our lives to abuse us-I have suffered emotional abuse and he always says: “Fez, you are the problem, not them-you, because you are permitting it.” It’s tough to receive but it’s the truth.

I don’t expand my time on useless things anymore-time is a resource-it isn’t guaranteed but we treat it with such disregard. I am very jealous over my time-I realise that it’s limited and honestly I don’t know when God will permit for it to stop-but whilst his grace has allowed it to keep ticking, I guard it jealously, it goes to people who deserve it-I don’t just throw it around anymore. I am a scarce resource-I am a valuable resource. I love what Paul in the Bible says: don’t think of yourself too highly, he doesn’t say don’t think of yourself highly-he just said too highly. So I think highly of myself-I have to so that I don’t get abused and mistreated, at the same time I always keep humility as my tag team partner because you never know when the too highly starts too creep in (know what I mean, hahahahah).

On a serious note-let things go that don’t build you, let people go whose season in your life is up and lastly let yourself go by starting to live!

I heard this song on the radio the other day and I loved the message – In the words of Nicki Minaj : How dare we sit quietly and watch life pass us by?

Be blessed

 

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Growth

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I decided to read some of my blog posts and I even went searching for previous attempts that I had posted on other sites…I just smiled.

I smiled because I was taken aback at the growth. I cant begin to explain how good it feels to literally see my growth and to know that I’m still growing. I started blogging as a challenge really-I wanted to prove to myself if I would be faithful in writing. I needed an outlet and I started blogging more for myself than anything else-I even tried to hide away my posts because I just wanted to release that energy-so I always wrote from fear-fear that someone might discover me, fear that someone might see my writings; so I wasn’t really as free as I am now.

You might ask-why didn’t you just get a journal then Fez. Well, I did hahahaha, but I always knew that God gave me this gift so I thought-if someone discovers my writings atleast it will bring them closer to God.

I stopped blogging because I stopped believing in myself. I found myself comparing myself to people who were more experienced with blogging and I felt like I will never be as good and confident in how I write-so I stopped, sadly.

I was sad because writing offered me the space to really share my heart. I write letters to God sometimes when I struggle to articulate my prayers with speech. Writing affords me the opportunity to really process what I am going through-some of my posts were written when things were really tough in my life-whereby I didn’t see things changing. I wrote them because I had hope that things would change. I read them now and I am in awe in how God is ever faithful, that even when we don’t understand-He always has the best intentions.

Friend, I am in a great place in life right now-things aren’t perfect but I am growing closer and closer to the Lord, I know Him better than I did last year. he has caused me to grow up faster than I had anticipated. He urges me to reach out more to others more than I would like to sometimes-but I am glad he pushes me because everyone I met has a divine appointment and assignment in my life.

My roots are more secure now-the wind does try to beat me down BUT the difference is that I am never uprooted from God- I am never uprooted out of his love and grace.

I have this palpable love for the Lord-it overwhelms me sometimes. I think about him often, He consumes me daily. I have conversations with Him knowing that he is right there-I don’t convince myself anymore that he is listening, I now know that He is.

I don’t walk around wishing that people would affirm me-I walk around now knowing that I am important-not to the world but to my Father, I matter to him. I walk with certainty about the love that he has for me.

I could go on and on but all I know is that there is maturity now – what’s beautiful with God is that it’s never stagnant-growth is progressive.

My hope for you is that you would encounter the depth of God’s love-that the height and breadth of it would just overwhelm you. My hope is that you would be lost in the indescribable love that strips fear ,that tears doubt up, that shakes hopelessness and that destroys separation.

Friend-things will get better-they always do! The process may be painful, but it will end-it has to end. You are growing-pain is part of the process but the beauty is the fruit that’ll come out of that.

A seed has to break before a bud comes forth.

You are growing-prepare for your bud, prepare for your fruit-prepare for your harvest.

Prepare for your Savior – keeping in mind that was in in Heaven is PREPARED for you, it’s nothing compared to what you have ever imagined.

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Let it go…forgive

 

I was that person who speaks about letting go and forgiving, I was that person who would open up scriptures urging others to forgive and showing them the importance of letting go-until I had to forgive someone.

Friends, forgiveness is not easy-forgiveness doesn’t make sense at all. Forgiveness is not something that one excels in-no matter how many times you can preach about it-until you are faced with forgiving someone, it’s not easy.

Can I just be real and transparent?

I knew I was carrying something heavy, I knew that I couldn’t keep holding that load-I felt like the other person was wrong and it was unfair that no one could see the wrong that was done to me-everyone continued being happy and even entertaining the other person whilst I had to carry this load all by myself. Unforgiveness is like poison-it eats away at you from inside, it destroys parts of you-it makes you have a distorted view of things-you are filled with anger and that quickly turns into bitterness especially when the person who wronged you is going about their life  joyously as if nothing is wrong.

Friends I was busy looking for sympathy from others when I could’ve turned to Jesus immediately. Look at Jesus on the cross-immediately, he cried out to his father to forgive those who crucified him-he prayed for us in a moment when he could’ve been angry, bitter and unforgiving. He didn’t look for sympathy from God-he cried out for us in that moment!

I cried out to God eventually, I wish I had started there initially. I look back now and I won’t describe what this person did because it’s really not worth it anymore. What I am angry about is that it took me some time to deal with this situation, I am upset that I allowed myself to be held captive when I am free. I put myself in a prison when I am no longer a slave.

I just cried out to my Father, I just cried and cried because I know he knows how heartbroken I truly was especially because I love this person dearly. I asked the Lord to forgive me for holding onto this, I asked him to give me strength to truly let it go. As I am typing this I am tempted to expose this person-but Jesus keeps saying let it go.

Forgiveness really isn’t about the other person-it’s about you! Forgiveness allows you to roam in the presence of God freely knowing that your conscience is clear before him. Forgiveness allows you to give the person over to God and to allow him to deal with the situation the way he sees fit and to trust that it will be the best way.

The question I had to the Lord was how do I interact with this person since they are a part of my life- and he said: ” see me in them”. I wailed! I cried so much because the Lord is asking me to extend love-unconditional love to that person. The hardship about this statement is that I know in my own strength I can’t-my flesh still wants to hurt them back, but I know that with Jesus all things are possible- I know that by his Spirit I can and will do this.

I am not a perfect person,  I write these posts because I am a real person who goes through hardship and testing of character. I have a real relationship with Jesus and sometimes it gets really hard like now-but what matters to God is the willingness to trust Him in every situation.

Sharing this experience with you has helped me to really deal with my heart-to really be transparent with the moments I have felt like giving in, sharing this experience has brought healing into my heart because I am reminded of my worth in Christ-He forgave me when I didn’t even know that I had wronged him, he forgave me when I was going about my life not even considering his heart, he forgave me anyway.

Who am I not to do the same?

 

Loving someone who doesn’t love you

 

There is nothing more painful in this world than knowing that you love someone dearly, but they don’t love you back. There is no higher form of rejection than that kind. I don’t know if you have seen children playing and one comes with toys to also join in-and the others just all pack up and leave that child behind. It stabs at your heart just witnessing it-now imagine what it does to that child’s heart-it’s a break in the heart that no amount of reassurance can mend.

I know what it feels like to love someone who doesn’t love you back; I’ve been there.

You feel like something is wrong with you, you feel like you are not enough-inadequate in every sense of the word. The sad thing is that comparisons start to creep in and you feel like someone else would be better for that person , you feel like maybe if you were smarter, better looking that person would love you back. I have witnessed people change who they were to try and be loved, I once heard one woman say : “he loves blondes-so I will dye my hair blonde and have long hair if that’s what it takes to keep him.”

Beloved-that statement crushed my heart because every single day this person hopes and prays that one day they will be noticed, they will be affirmed, they will be valued-they will be loved. but that day never comes! You start living in this false hope that this person will change, you even start making excuses for them as to why they can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved.

My question is- how did you even value yourself less to be stuck in a situation like that? How did you look down on yourself to find yourself so dependent on another human to validate your being? Do you honestly believe that you can’t be loved? Do you honestly believe that there isn’t someone in this world who can understand and value all of you?

I look back now and realise that I had traded in unconditional love for superficiality. I traded in my value to become a replica of someone else so that I could experience love-yes beloved, I became that desperate once in my life. I became that desperate because in all honestly I didn’t see what my value was as a person, I needed someone else to see that in me.

This made me realise that Jesus goes through this with us everyday-He waits, he knocks, He waits again but in all that , he loves us even when we say :”not today Lord.” He loves us unconditionally even when we stop talking to him for years, he continues to love us when we curse him for the hardships we have to endure, he loves us even when we stop doing his will and turn to other things to fill us up-Jesus remains there!

The lesson I learnt from Jesus is that only he is capable of loving unconditionally-only he has that kind of heart that pursues man even in the face of severe rejection. I also learnt that you can’t force someone to love you-you can only demonstrate that love and hope that they will see it and reciprocate it. He taught me as well to not base my love on someone else but rather to love people besides themselves-not to love because I am anticipating something back, but rather to just love because they need it. The Lord taught me to always remember that if I know my value in Him, if I know how priceless I am to him- I am able to love others without needing their affirmation.

Beloved-you may be stuck in a loveless relationship right now, you are considering divorce-you are considering separation. You are tired of holding onto to someone who doesn’t even acknowledge your presence, you are tired of trying to be the better person, you are tired of lying to people that you are happy when deep down you feel empty. You are tired of faking a happy marriage when you can see that this person’s heart is nowhere near you. Maybe you have even been deceived into thinking by being with someone else things will be better-maybe you have even indulged and broken the vows of your marriage.

I understand your pain

But, you need to acknowledge your actions and realise that because you never knew the love of your first Husband-you went and looked for a second-hand type of love. You need to understand that desperation will lead to to make costly mistakes that you will later regret. Beloved, in as much as you may want that divorce, the truth is no one can love you better than Jesus, if you don’t know that kind of love-you will find yourself in your second, third even fourth marriage and you will find yourself cheating in between because you want to be loved.

We cheat on the Lord because we trade in His love for the superficial things of this world. I love my husband not because he loves me back, but I am able to love him because I know of a greater love than his. My husband may disappoint  me at times-but I always know who to run to in moments like that, I run to my first love-Jesus. It’s easier to love my husband because he loves me back but when I made my vows I chose to love him even if he might decide one day not love me back. It sounds crazy but what I’m saying is that the love I know the Lord has for me makes me able to love despite what others may do to me.

I’m not saying get divorced, and I am also not saying stay. I am saying stop the cycle of thinking a human being can love you the way you deserve to be loved-yes, some people may try but it’s never 100 percent, there comes a point where they may fail you. You have failed your children haven’t you? It’s not that you wanted to, but you are human-it happens.

Know the Love of Christ first-it’s complete! It fulfills our entire being. It transcends what anyone can ever give you. Run to him with open arms-he has been waiting to shower you with the love that your soul has been longing  for-he wants to drench you with his love-he want to shower you with praise. He wants to show you off to all the world, replenish your weary soul- he wants to love you back!

You belong to Him.

 

(Image : http://quotes.land)