Unreliable Friends

 

  • Image result for unreliable friendships

 

Have you ever heard the statement : if you need anything, I am here-just call or sms I will be there for you?

I have.

I decided to use this affirmative statement  to help me when I desperately needed a friend and guess what? That person wasn’t there. You may say-yeah but they were busy or they were held up with something. True-but what about if this is the constant wall you hit? You may say-well it’s time to cut your losses.

See, you have people in your life that you can’t just cut off-I hope you get what I mean-you want to cut them off but the love is just too deep. It’s not a toxic friendship because you aren’t broken that this person is just never there for you, it’s just disappointing because you give them the benefit of the doubt hoping that they will uphold their word.

I have come to realise that some people are too self-absorbed to truly care about anyone else. They are good people and well-meaning, but they just can’t be there for others. What hurts is that although they are great to be around-they are just unreliable.

Some signs that you have an unreliable friend:

  1. They always promise to be there for you and when you need them they just bail out on you.
  2. The conversation is about them-the minute it becomes about you, they switch off.
  3. They make lame excuses why they had to drop you suddenly.
  4. They don’t honour appointments
  5. They are self-absorbed-everything is always about how busy they are or how their life is just so hectic

This isn’t a comprehensive list-it’s just an indicator of some of their character traits.

It’s important to learn to guard your heart-as a person you just can’t keep exposing yourself to someone who doesn’t prioritise you. It creates feelings of self-doubt and anger. Give your friend the necessary space and resume your life but create sufficient boundaries to safe-guard your heart.

 

I DON’T LIKE YOU!

Image result for i am enough

I struggle to understand why we hurt ourselves so much by doing this-forcing people to like us.  I want you to take the time to think about someone you dislike, is there ANYTHING that person can do to make you like them? Chances are…nothing right? Then why bother trying to be liked by someone who dislikes you?

We spend energy, time, and sometimes money impressing people who really don’t get moved by our presence. Think about that, their lives don’t get moved by your presence-meaning they don’t even acknowledge your existence! They really don’t care about you-but there you are breaking your back forcing yourself to be liked when essentially-you aren’t!

Let me ask you again, why do you bother?

You bother because you want affirmation: you want to be acknowledged by them, they hold some power over your life and you want to feel accepted, loved and normal. Someone out there holds your value in their hands because you have given your value over to them.

 What if someone valued you so much that they weren’t moved by your mistakes or any flaws that form who you are?

Thing is beloved you already ARE loved, you already ARE accepted and most of all Jesus doesn’t even want anything in return. You are loved unconditionally, no river is too wide, ocean too deep, mountain too high to express the depth, height, and width that is found in God’s love.

If you are cheapening yourself by thinking that you can buy acceptance then you are living a lie. Emotions can’t be bought, they are felt.Love cannot be expressed only- it is experienced.

When people love you their actions will demonstrate what’s in their hearts.

STOP focusing on people who are blocking your progression, if someone doesn’t like you, please send them off with a a basket full of goodies for their journey, why be bitter when they are creating space for a truckload of blessings?

Get to a point in your life whereby people’s departure out of your life doesn’t cause you to have a breakdown.

Always assess, if you did all you could and were not at fault-PLEASE open the front door FOR THEM and wish them well.

Let go of what needs to go and embrace what is coming to bless you.

You are enough
You are loved
You are priceless, treat yourself as such

Image result for flowers bunch

WALKING AWAY

Displaying IMG_20161115_205649_000125.png

There are people and relationships even friendships that are a complete waste of energy, you sit there and you wonder how someone can be so selfish, so self-centred and still breath! (Forgive my sarcasm).

Anyway-I actually sat down with myself and wondered why we put up with people like this, we allow them into our lives, we allow them into our sacred spaces-we invite them in our most vulnerable moments thinking that they are our most trusted and reliable friends-only to get a huge reality slap across the face that ,actually, you have been in this relationship alone.

So, let me speak for myself.

It’s very hard for me to let someone go-very very difficult because I don’t give 50% of my heart- I usually give 100% of my heart. I know people can hurt you blah blah blah but why live in fear? Why be a victim of past relationships by applying what someone did to you back then in a friendship you have now? With that said-unfortunately some people don’t value other people’s hearts, some people really don’t even know how to preciously look after a person’s heart.

There are people in this world who are so self-absorbed that they really struggle to appreciate what they are given. I am not here to be all self-righteous because you know what-I have done it too, the only difference is that those people never confronted me about it,but that doesn’t make me a saint -just to get that disclaimer out of the way.

Can I be real, please? Judgement aside.

I have become a victim of my own generosity of love. I have never realised how much time and patience it takes to love someone who continuously hurts you. There are friends in our lives who we keep because to let them go feels like letting go of ourselves, it feels more consuming to let things go as opposed to leaving the cancer to keep growing.

My husband said something so profound to me the other time-he said walking away doesn’t have to be an active process-you don’t always have to call someone and end things-just accept that the person you had hoped to grow more together in the friendship with is not as expectant as you are-allow the process to undergo itself passively.

Basically what he meant was that part of walking away can be passive-it doesn’t need to be this aggressive thing whereby you lay out all the faults the other person did, but you can mourn what the friendship could have become and just distance yourself quietly and allow the process of walking away to be a passive one.

So, I listened to this loving man and my friends and I have so much peace.

It is so draining sometimes to confront people and lay out their faults and lambaste them over their shortcomings-its actually more difficult and time-consuming to introspect and try to understand how the breakdown happened initially, how your own expectations may have been overbearing for the other person to maintain, also, how maybe you allowed the breakdown to happen yourself by not confronting issues that could have been solved a long time ago-but instead, brushed them under the carpet.

I am in the process of walking away from some of my friendships, passively. It’s liberating because for the first time I can actually see that the other person is actually content with not keeping contact, I can actually see that someone I thought was a friend-is actually an acquaintance – here I am was trying to force this person with my expectations to be my friend, but actually they were an acquaintance all along.

The saddest part about this process is hoping that the other person will see that you are walking away-the hope can get very heavy but each day you realise that you didn’t mean as much to that person as they meant to you.

I have moments when I get angry because I struggle to fathom how someone can be quiet when so much was invested in what I thought was OUR friendship. There are moments when I want to shut others out who are generously giving me their hearts because I am so beat up from watching a friendship demise before my eyes.

Essentially, I am learning something new about myself-it is OK to mourn. It is OK to accept that some people just don’t want to be your friend. It is OK to feel really let down by someone you thought you had a future with…it’s OK to walk away silently and cherish what the friendship was instead of what it could have been.

I don’t know what divorce feels like-but I can imagine, it’s a long drawn out process filled with papers and finger-pointing BUT when the files have been put away, the settlements drawn and the person you once called ‘husband’ or ‘wife’-stares at you with cold emotionless eyes as if the last years you spent meant nothing-man, I can totally imagine how hard picking yourself up and walking away from that feels like.

Walking away is so hard because the little dignity and strength you have left feels like nothing when you remember how much time and sweat was poured out into this person.

I want to encourage you with this, even if you must crawl out of toxic friendships-do it! Rather move slowly and quietly knowing that at least you still have yourself remaining; rather walk away passively knowing that you aren’t stuck in something that never was-imagine that?

Rather walk away knowing that you matter to someone-you matter to yourself!

You matter to God.

 

Failing friendship?

Friendship is not as complicated as we make it seem– it’s simple really, two people who have something in common and decide to further their interest by communicating more and spending quality time together to grow in other aspects of their lives together.

 

One thing I have learnt about friendships is that not everyone who likes you wants to pursue a friendship with you! Sometimes our self-centredness causes us to overlook the obvious, some people just like your company but they don’t see themselves pursuing anything further than that. The only way to realise this is to stop looking for people’s affirmation in showing you that you are an awesome person and start believing it for yourself.

 

I honestly would have saved myself so much heartache had I realised how great a person I was. We tend to expect others to tell us how awesome we are instead of telling ourselves! We spend time with people who aren’t invested in us- just to hear those words.

 

I have also realised that friendships run their course overtime. They have to if you think about it- the things you were interested in whilst in highschool aren’t necessarily what you may be interested in now. You honestly can’t drag people into the things you are interested in now if they don’t want to come along with you. The best thing you can do for yourself and them is to let the friendship go. We struggle to let go of people who add no value into our lives and fight to keep them on a leash and tire ourselves dragging someone who is screaming for you to let them go…goodness,let them go! I am not in contact with some of my highschool and even varsity friends because frankly the friendship has run its course-I won’t be caught dead dragging someone with me when I can open my heart and allow people into my life who actually want to be in it and who want to share my new interests.

 
My most long-lasting friendships to date are those founded on Christ. I cannot emphasise how much joy I feel knowing that there is a friend who loves Jesus as much as I do. When we come together there is no effort-we just click, we just continue on from where we left off even if we hadn’t seen each other in years! This has got to be my best friendships yet- there is no grudge-holding, no one to remind you that you forgot their birthday or that you haven’t been in contact-there is no guilt in this friendship because this person is so focused on building their friendship with Christ that they don’t hold it against you when you fall short of doing things for them. I can’t describe what a blessing this friendship is because it’s like your heart beats in unison, all you talk about is the present and future, this friendship builds you up to grow more in Christ, to be a better person for humanity and to continue striving towards your purpose on this earth!

 

Some friendships fail because you feel like you have been taken for granted. We all have that friend who calls you just to borrow money or who calls you because you are their agony aunt! I especially can’t deal with this type of friendship because the person will act all downtrodden, they will seem helpless and hopeless without you-drain you of the little joy you have and dump all their heaped up emotional garbage for you to sort out-if that wasn’t enough, run for the hills and continue with life with other people who see them in their peak and leave you in the dust to sort through the mess that they have left with you! They will tell you about all the fun they had with so and so, all their trips and expeditions (as if you don’t have a life) and leave you drained.

 
The one friendship I have learnt to be VERY weary of is the manipulative one. This person knows the buttons to push, they know how loving and caring you are and they use that to their advantage. This person will subtly remind you that without you they have no one, they will bring your hopes up-make you seem like you are the only true friend they have and once they are done or have gotten what they wanted-leave! These are the dangerous ones because they bring false hope-they make you believe that the friendship you have has a future, they make you believe that you are the best thing in their life-whilst you are still on that high, you see them doing the same thing to someone else and totally ignoring you. The best way to deal with this friend is to distance yourself from it. In this friendship, the person always wants their victims close by in order to feel good about themselves. Run from this person, they have a way of ensnaring you back into their net when you try to exit.

 
Like I said previously, friendships are very simple. Always ask yourself one thing with all your friendships- is it building me or is it tearing me down.
If it is tearing you down, cut it off! Don’t even try and justify it or sit and analyse it-just cut it off- it’s like these people can sense once you start creating distance.

 
Nurture the friendships that build you up-very often we neglect those who truly celebrate us and who take the time to value us.

Please show some appreciation for the friends who have been there for you ,friends who have told you the truth even when it hurts and friends who have tolerated all your baggage and never left your side-it is very disheartening if this friendships fails because finding people who are truly authentic is very hard to come by.