Pressing on…

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I have had to reflect  a lot this year, I have had to ask myself some deep questions; one of those questions was why do I actually believe in God-why do I actually declare Jesus to those I meet?

Worldly pressures at times can throw you in a place whereby walking away from God seems like the better option- holding onto your own strength and might seems better than trusting in a God who says is with you but whom you have never seen! I mean-why am I enduring troubles-why am I being patient in the midst of persecution? Essentially-why do I endure all that I do hoping that tomorrow will be better-what I am hoping for actually?

Friend, have you been so challenged in your life that you feel like everything will shatter around you but for some odd reason-you still continue, you still press on, you don’t understand how you are still moving, but you are just putting one foot in front of the other?

There came a point in my life whereby I asked God how he allowed me to be in the career I am in when at times  it feels like I am being thrown in a cage full of lions-everyday, and he expects me to keep moving-regardless of the trials I face! Sometimes I want to run-but I cannot, sometimes I want to hide-but this force within me says:  you aren’t born to hide, sometimes I want to be complacent but a voice within me says:  do everything as if it is unto me! I have wrestled with God  , I have begged, I have stopped praying, I have fasted for God to take me out, but one thing remained-God said I will overcome!

There are scriptures I read when I was happy and let me tell you something, the word of God sinks even deeper when we are hard-pressed, there is something about pressure that causes our hearts to yield more to God’s word. One of those scriptures was in James where he says we must count it all joy when we face trials of many kinds-for our faith is being made strong ( James 1:2).

Man, if you read that scripture to me a couple of months ago-I would’ve decorated it and posted it on my Facebook page with smiley faces because it sounds really nice, fast track to now- it is as real to me as the air I breath, it is so real because I am realising that my joy truly is not tied to the things of this world-God is allowing me to face what I face so that I can actually disengage my soul from being tied to what my flesh is tied to. The Lord says don’t fear the one who can destroy the flesh-fear the one who can destroy both the soul and flesh( Matthew 10:28).

Essentially I believe in God because truly there are things I have tried to do in my own strength in which I have found myself fail. There are things I have tried to pursue in my own strength only to have those doors closed when I had been so sure that they were opened! God has humbled me in a way only I can understand. I declare his name to those who don’t know it because truly he has transformed my way of thinking. I go through hard times but I always know that I will make it because each and every word he has spoken in the Bible has come true in my life. I have tried and tested the word of God and let me tell you-it is always correct! God’s word can’t fail-it will never fail.

I can go through trials and be hard-pressed knowing deep down that the Lord is holding my hand-he promised to never forsake or leave me.

I may face the lions everyday but none is greater than the Lion of Judah-none has overcome him, I carry his name, I am covered by his blood and I am guided by his spirit! The darkness was overcome more than 2000 years ago-God knows that even if the darkness threatens to consume us-it can’t because it was defeated! He can allow us to face the darkness because he knows that his light is greater and it already consumed it.

I believe because I have seen the Light, I believe because I am a light-I believe because I belong to the Light!

Blessings

 

Fezile, the one whom God loves

 

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It’s Christmas day and I am behind a PC 🙂

I couldn’t go to bed without writing this post-today I went to church and as I was sitting watching the speaker share the message I realised that God gave me life, God gave me time and God has given me love.

As I reflected on what my Saviour has done for me I was filled with tremendous joy. The word says we have every spiritual blessing (Ephesians) and today it hit me that everything the word says I have-I truly have.

As I reflect on my life, I realised that if I were to go to Heaven now-I would have peace, not only  because I would be in my Saviour’s arms-but I would have peace that I used everything the Lord told me to use and I have done what the Lord has said I must do-there is nothing more beautiful than that-to be in the complete will of God.

I used to think that if I had more money or a better house or many cars I would be complete-but friends, Jesus completes me, Jesus is my answer to the world’s deepest pain-Jesus is my everything.

I thank God that when he died for me more than 2000 years ago-he saw Fezile before him and he said I love her so much that I am willing to lay my life down for her. Jesus saw my whole life before him, my mistakes, my failures, my flaws-but even in all that-he still chose to die for me!

I boast of God’s love because honestly that love is the only one that hasn’t demanded me to be anything else than what I am. I know God loves me, I know that I am precious to Him and I know that I matter to Him. I know that when I am sad he feels my pain because he loves me. There isn’t anyone in this world who can ever tell me otherwise concerning God’s heart for me-I can speak confidently of that love because I have a relationship with my Father, I tell him everything and I know he hears every single prayer and he makes every effort to bring comfort and hope my way-because of the love he has for me.

God’s love humbles me because I don’t deserve it BUT he gives it to me regardless.

As we celebrate Christmas-what are you grateful to God for? As you reflect on God’s love for you-how have you grown? How has God’s love changed your life?

Let me know in the comment box below.

Blessings

P.S – If you need prayers concerning anything, just type in “pray” and the minute I see your comment I will pray with you-because YOU matter to God! 

 

 

I DON’T LIKE YOU!

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I struggle to understand why we hurt ourselves so much by doing this-forcing people to like us.  I want you to take the time to think about someone you dislike, is there ANYTHING that person can do to make you like them? Chances are…nothing right? Then why bother trying to be liked by someone who dislikes you?

We spend energy, time, and sometimes money impressing people who really don’t get moved by our presence. Think about that, their lives don’t get moved by your presence-meaning they don’t even acknowledge your existence! They really don’t care about you-but there you are breaking your back forcing yourself to be liked when essentially-you aren’t!

Let me ask you again, why do you bother?

You bother because you want affirmation: you want to be acknowledged by them, they hold some power over your life and you want to feel accepted, loved and normal. Someone out there holds your value in their hands because you have given your value over to them.

 What if someone valued you so much that they weren’t moved by your mistakes or any flaws that form who you are?

Thing is beloved you already ARE loved, you already ARE accepted and most of all Jesus doesn’t even want anything in return. You are loved unconditionally, no river is too wide, ocean too deep, mountain too high to express the depth, height, and width that is found in God’s love.

If you are cheapening yourself by thinking that you can buy acceptance then you are living a lie. Emotions can’t be bought, they are felt.Love cannot be expressed only- it is experienced.

When people love you their actions will demonstrate what’s in their hearts.

STOP focusing on people who are blocking your progression, if someone doesn’t like you, please send them off with a a basket full of goodies for their journey, why be bitter when they are creating space for a truckload of blessings?

Get to a point in your life whereby people’s departure out of your life doesn’t cause you to have a breakdown.

Always assess, if you did all you could and were not at fault-PLEASE open the front door FOR THEM and wish them well.

Let go of what needs to go and embrace what is coming to bless you.

You are enough
You are loved
You are priceless, treat yourself as such

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Letting go

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This is a reflective piece, I am really in a good place-almost bitter but definitely sweet. I feel like I have woken up-you know struggles sometimes can cause you to have a warped view of life-to the point that you don’t even see what God has given you.

My character was shaped this year,wow! I feel like I was in a furnace-like everything I held to was burnt right off me, all the people I thought were important to me turned to ashes right before my eyes, I was left vulnerable at times-but in all that God just reassured me to stay focused on Him, to trust him with his process concerning my life.

I am honestly a better version of myself, I say this because I don’t hold onto things like I used to, I don’t beg people to stay in my life anymore-it’s liberating to hold people in your life with an open palm so that they always know that when it’s time to go-they can always fly off. I don’t believe in failed friendships anymore-I am not a failure, I have learnt to eliminate that word from my vocabulary-instead I choose to see it as me having opened my heart and that person for whatever reason chose to live out their life without me-I didn’t leave , so how is it that I failed?  I am done with such labels.

I laugh more now-I laugh deeply and loudly, I have learnt to let myself go-to truly enjoy Fez, to feel her and embrace her. I give myself second, third and fourth chances, I speak kindly to myself, I eat without judging myself-I enjoy every bite of that burger and that lick from that ice cream. I held onto being skinny for so long and at the same time I didn’t realise how sad I was becoming-sad that I was holding onto a physique that just isn’t me. I exercise and leave with a smile afterwards, I eat salads because I want to not because I am holding onto something that drains me. I don’t pound myself over things I am not good at, I celebrate the things I am good at, I celebrate those who are good at the things I am not-without feeling envious or inferior!

I am honestly in a beautiful place-I am living, I am smiling, I am doing ME.

I decided to let go of certain social media portals, I have Facebook on my own terms ( I purposefully chose to have no friends on it because personally my friends live life with me, so I don’t have spectators as friends).

I thank God for my marriage-it has grounded me, we don’t stifle each other-we give each other room to grow. I am growing in my marriage-my husband is my biggest cheerleader-he allows me to be myself, he gives me room to make my own mistakes without judging me. I stopped trying to control things, I stopped striving to have my marriage look like someone else’s and I started enjoying the mould it was becoming. I don’t feel the need to shove it in people’s faces either-I have let go of posting everything under the guise that we are happy-I’m done with the hashtag life because why hashtag when I can actually live out my reality?

You may be reading this and maybe you are thinking that this is a self-affirming post, well-it is, I mean why look for affirmation out there when I can give it myself? That’s why we don’t let people go when it’s their time to go because we use them sometimes to fill holes that are gaping in our lives and when they don’t, we feel like they don’t value us! My dear-learn to value yourself first, once you do that-you will never NEED people to tell you what you should be telling yourself.

Get a pen, a piece of paper and start writing down all the things that you don’t need anymore, if a friendship is getting too hard to maintain-leave, love yourself enough to leave. Don’t expect someone to love you if you aren’t loving yourself-if you are complaining about a partner that never appreciates you-well, have you appreciated yourself enough to confront them that you deserve better and you will get better if they don’t treat you well? My husband always says that we allow people to do things to us-we permit people we have allowed into our lives to abuse us-I have suffered emotional abuse and he always says: “Fez, you are the problem, not them-you, because you are permitting it.” It’s tough to receive but it’s the truth.

I don’t expand my time on useless things anymore-time is a resource-it isn’t guaranteed but we treat it with such disregard. I am very jealous over my time-I realise that it’s limited and honestly I don’t know when God will permit for it to stop-but whilst his grace has allowed it to keep ticking, I guard it jealously, it goes to people who deserve it-I don’t just throw it around anymore. I am a scarce resource-I am a valuable resource. I love what Paul in the Bible says: don’t think of yourself too highly, he doesn’t say don’t think of yourself highly-he just said too highly. So I think highly of myself-I have to so that I don’t get abused and mistreated, at the same time I always keep humility as my tag team partner because you never know when the too highly starts too creep in (know what I mean, hahahahah).

On a serious note-let things go that don’t build you, let people go whose season in your life is up and lastly let yourself go by starting to live!

I heard this song on the radio the other day and I loved the message – In the words of Nicki Minaj : How dare we sit quietly and watch life pass us by?

Be blessed

 

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WALKING AWAY

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There are people and relationships even friendships that are a complete waste of energy, you sit there and you wonder how someone can be so selfish, so self-centred and still breath! (Forgive my sarcasm).

Anyway-I actually sat down with myself and wondered why we put up with people like this, we allow them into our lives, we allow them into our sacred spaces-we invite them in our most vulnerable moments thinking that they are our most trusted and reliable friends-only to get a huge reality slap across the face that ,actually, you have been in this relationship alone.

So, let me speak for myself.

It’s very hard for me to let someone go-very very difficult because I don’t give 50% of my heart- I usually give 100% of my heart. I know people can hurt you blah blah blah but why live in fear? Why be a victim of past relationships by applying what someone did to you back then in a friendship you have now? With that said-unfortunately some people don’t value other people’s hearts, some people really don’t even know how to preciously look after a person’s heart.

There are people in this world who are so self-absorbed that they really struggle to appreciate what they are given. I am not here to be all self-righteous because you know what-I have done it too, the only difference is that those people never confronted me about it,but that doesn’t make me a saint -just to get that disclaimer out of the way.

Can I be real, please? Judgement aside.

I have become a victim of my own generosity of love. I have never realised how much time and patience it takes to love someone who continuously hurts you. There are friends in our lives who we keep because to let them go feels like letting go of ourselves, it feels more consuming to let things go as opposed to leaving the cancer to keep growing.

My husband said something so profound to me the other time-he said walking away doesn’t have to be an active process-you don’t always have to call someone and end things-just accept that the person you had hoped to grow more together in the friendship with is not as expectant as you are-allow the process to undergo itself passively.

Basically what he meant was that part of walking away can be passive-it doesn’t need to be this aggressive thing whereby you lay out all the faults the other person did, but you can mourn what the friendship could have become and just distance yourself quietly and allow the process of walking away to be a passive one.

So, I listened to this loving man and my friends and I have so much peace.

It is so draining sometimes to confront people and lay out their faults and lambaste them over their shortcomings-its actually more difficult and time-consuming to introspect and try to understand how the breakdown happened initially, how your own expectations may have been overbearing for the other person to maintain, also, how maybe you allowed the breakdown to happen yourself by not confronting issues that could have been solved a long time ago-but instead, brushed them under the carpet.

I am in the process of walking away from some of my friendships, passively. It’s liberating because for the first time I can actually see that the other person is actually content with not keeping contact, I can actually see that someone I thought was a friend-is actually an acquaintance – here I am was trying to force this person with my expectations to be my friend, but actually they were an acquaintance all along.

The saddest part about this process is hoping that the other person will see that you are walking away-the hope can get very heavy but each day you realise that you didn’t mean as much to that person as they meant to you.

I have moments when I get angry because I struggle to fathom how someone can be quiet when so much was invested in what I thought was OUR friendship. There are moments when I want to shut others out who are generously giving me their hearts because I am so beat up from watching a friendship demise before my eyes.

Essentially, I am learning something new about myself-it is OK to mourn. It is OK to accept that some people just don’t want to be your friend. It is OK to feel really let down by someone you thought you had a future with…it’s OK to walk away silently and cherish what the friendship was instead of what it could have been.

I don’t know what divorce feels like-but I can imagine, it’s a long drawn out process filled with papers and finger-pointing BUT when the files have been put away, the settlements drawn and the person you once called ‘husband’ or ‘wife’-stares at you with cold emotionless eyes as if the last years you spent meant nothing-man, I can totally imagine how hard picking yourself up and walking away from that feels like.

Walking away is so hard because the little dignity and strength you have left feels like nothing when you remember how much time and sweat was poured out into this person.

I want to encourage you with this, even if you must crawl out of toxic friendships-do it! Rather move slowly and quietly knowing that at least you still have yourself remaining; rather walk away passively knowing that you aren’t stuck in something that never was-imagine that?

Rather walk away knowing that you matter to someone-you matter to yourself!

You matter to God.

 

Growth

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I decided to read some of my blog posts and I even went searching for previous attempts that I had posted on other sites…I just smiled.

I smiled because I was taken aback at the growth. I cant begin to explain how good it feels to literally see my growth and to know that I’m still growing. I started blogging as a challenge really-I wanted to prove to myself if I would be faithful in writing. I needed an outlet and I started blogging more for myself than anything else-I even tried to hide away my posts because I just wanted to release that energy-so I always wrote from fear-fear that someone might discover me, fear that someone might see my writings; so I wasn’t really as free as I am now.

You might ask-why didn’t you just get a journal then Fez. Well, I did hahahaha, but I always knew that God gave me this gift so I thought-if someone discovers my writings atleast it will bring them closer to God.

I stopped blogging because I stopped believing in myself. I found myself comparing myself to people who were more experienced with blogging and I felt like I will never be as good and confident in how I write-so I stopped, sadly.

I was sad because writing offered me the space to really share my heart. I write letters to God sometimes when I struggle to articulate my prayers with speech. Writing affords me the opportunity to really process what I am going through-some of my posts were written when things were really tough in my life-whereby I didn’t see things changing. I wrote them because I had hope that things would change. I read them now and I am in awe in how God is ever faithful, that even when we don’t understand-He always has the best intentions.

Friend, I am in a great place in life right now-things aren’t perfect but I am growing closer and closer to the Lord, I know Him better than I did last year. he has caused me to grow up faster than I had anticipated. He urges me to reach out more to others more than I would like to sometimes-but I am glad he pushes me because everyone I met has a divine appointment and assignment in my life.

My roots are more secure now-the wind does try to beat me down BUT the difference is that I am never uprooted from God- I am never uprooted out of his love and grace.

I have this palpable love for the Lord-it overwhelms me sometimes. I think about him often, He consumes me daily. I have conversations with Him knowing that he is right there-I don’t convince myself anymore that he is listening, I now know that He is.

I don’t walk around wishing that people would affirm me-I walk around now knowing that I am important-not to the world but to my Father, I matter to him. I walk with certainty about the love that he has for me.

I could go on and on but all I know is that there is maturity now – what’s beautiful with God is that it’s never stagnant-growth is progressive.

My hope for you is that you would encounter the depth of God’s love-that the height and breadth of it would just overwhelm you. My hope is that you would be lost in the indescribable love that strips fear ,that tears doubt up, that shakes hopelessness and that destroys separation.

Friend-things will get better-they always do! The process may be painful, but it will end-it has to end. You are growing-pain is part of the process but the beauty is the fruit that’ll come out of that.

A seed has to break before a bud comes forth.

You are growing-prepare for your bud, prepare for your fruit-prepare for your harvest.

Prepare for your Savior – keeping in mind that was in in Heaven is PREPARED for you, it’s nothing compared to what you have ever imagined.

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Let it go…forgive

 

I was that person who speaks about letting go and forgiving, I was that person who would open up scriptures urging others to forgive and showing them the importance of letting go-until I had to forgive someone.

Friends, forgiveness is not easy-forgiveness doesn’t make sense at all. Forgiveness is not something that one excels in-no matter how many times you can preach about it-until you are faced with forgiving someone, it’s not easy.

Can I just be real and transparent?

I knew I was carrying something heavy, I knew that I couldn’t keep holding that load-I felt like the other person was wrong and it was unfair that no one could see the wrong that was done to me-everyone continued being happy and even entertaining the other person whilst I had to carry this load all by myself. Unforgiveness is like poison-it eats away at you from inside, it destroys parts of you-it makes you have a distorted view of things-you are filled with anger and that quickly turns into bitterness especially when the person who wronged you is going about their life  joyously as if nothing is wrong.

Friends I was busy looking for sympathy from others when I could’ve turned to Jesus immediately. Look at Jesus on the cross-immediately, he cried out to his father to forgive those who crucified him-he prayed for us in a moment when he could’ve been angry, bitter and unforgiving. He didn’t look for sympathy from God-he cried out for us in that moment!

I cried out to God eventually, I wish I had started there initially. I look back now and I won’t describe what this person did because it’s really not worth it anymore. What I am angry about is that it took me some time to deal with this situation, I am upset that I allowed myself to be held captive when I am free. I put myself in a prison when I am no longer a slave.

I just cried out to my Father, I just cried and cried because I know he knows how heartbroken I truly was especially because I love this person dearly. I asked the Lord to forgive me for holding onto this, I asked him to give me strength to truly let it go. As I am typing this I am tempted to expose this person-but Jesus keeps saying let it go.

Forgiveness really isn’t about the other person-it’s about you! Forgiveness allows you to roam in the presence of God freely knowing that your conscience is clear before him. Forgiveness allows you to give the person over to God and to allow him to deal with the situation the way he sees fit and to trust that it will be the best way.

The question I had to the Lord was how do I interact with this person since they are a part of my life- and he said: ” see me in them”. I wailed! I cried so much because the Lord is asking me to extend love-unconditional love to that person. The hardship about this statement is that I know in my own strength I can’t-my flesh still wants to hurt them back, but I know that with Jesus all things are possible- I know that by his Spirit I can and will do this.

I am not a perfect person,  I write these posts because I am a real person who goes through hardship and testing of character. I have a real relationship with Jesus and sometimes it gets really hard like now-but what matters to God is the willingness to trust Him in every situation.

Sharing this experience with you has helped me to really deal with my heart-to really be transparent with the moments I have felt like giving in, sharing this experience has brought healing into my heart because I am reminded of my worth in Christ-He forgave me when I didn’t even know that I had wronged him, he forgave me when I was going about my life not even considering his heart, he forgave me anyway.

Who am I not to do the same?