Loneliness: a void so deep…who can fill it

 

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I was watching a documentary on Michael Jackson recently and it essentially documented his life and struggles. The part that touched me so deeply was how lonely this man was. Some people saw him like a god-he was worshiped,loved and praised but in all that he had one thing that plagued him deeply-loneliness.

No matter how much money you have, there is no ailment for this condition. Loneliness can erode one’s perspective and the reason I say this is because of the choices I and so many people have made.

I recently met a lady who was lamenting the years she lost after being in a relationship that yielded pain and hurt-I looked into her eyes and I saw disfigurement-brokenness. I questioned myself after hearing her story and I thought to myself -what would make a person stay in such a relationship if she saw what it was doing to her-and I realised that it was the fear of loneliness, she chose to stay because being apart from him scared her so much so that she took whatever abuse was hurled at her.

The thing about loneliness is how it creeps into your soul, one moment you are joyous and ecstatic and in a split second-you have this severe depression and longing-sometimes you don’t know what you are longing for but this overwhelming feeling of sadness overtakes you and you start yearning for someone to share life with; loneliness can drive you to settle for just about anybody because of that need for companionship and love.

Loneliness is scary because it can lead us to make wrong decisions to try and fill a void that may have been there for many years.

I remember how loneliness drove me into a deep depression, so much so that I stopped attending lectures at varsity and I took on an identity that was never mine-I started to listen to the voice of the enemy that told me that I am ugly, that no one will want to marry me, that I wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love and affection. I remember how broken I became because I had listened to these voices-I remember how lonely I was because by listening to these voices I drove myself into isolation.

Beloved in that moment-only Jesus could get me out, and he did!

I remember how tears became my prayer because words stung my heart too much to be uttered. I recall asking God if this is all I am worth-if my value was reduced to nothing, if I was born to be alone. Just writing this I can feel the raw pain that I felt on that day.

I don’t know where you are at in your life, I don’t know what the enemy has said to you; but I do know of a God so great who overcame all the hurt and pain in this world and his name is Jesus. Jesus honestly filled the void that no man could ever fill. Jesus continues to pour out a love so strong on me that in the times that I choose to be alone-I never feel lonely.

Maybe you are hoping to feel alive again,maybe you are hoping to feel loved again-I don’t know; but what I do know is that you matter so much to God and he will heal those wounds and he will fill that loneliness.

Turn to him, his arms are always open.

(Romans 10: 9-11)

 

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Unreliable Friends

 

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Have you ever heard the statement : if you need anything, I am here-just call or sms I will be there for you?

I have.

I decided to use this affirmative statement ¬†to help me when I desperately needed a friend and guess what? That person wasn’t there. You may say-yeah but they were busy or they were held up with something. True-but what about if this is the constant wall you hit? You may say-well it’s time to cut your losses.

See, you have people in your life that you can’t just cut off-I hope you get what I mean-you want to cut them off but the love is just too deep. It’s not a toxic friendship because you aren’t broken that this person is just never there for you, it’s just disappointing because you give them the benefit of the doubt hoping that they will uphold their word.

I have come to realise that some people are too self-absorbed to truly care about anyone else. They are good people and well-meaning, but they just can’t be there for others. What hurts is that although they are great to be around-they are just unreliable.

Some signs that you have an unreliable friend:

  1. They always promise to be there for you and when you need them they just bail out on you.
  2. The conversation is about them-the minute it becomes about you, they switch off.
  3. They make lame excuses why they had to drop you suddenly.
  4. They don’t honour appointments
  5. They are self-absorbed-everything is always about how busy they are or how their life is just so hectic

This isn’t a comprehensive list-it’s just an indicator of some of their character traits.

It’s important to learn to guard your heart-as a person you just can’t keep exposing yourself to someone who doesn’t prioritise you. It creates feelings of self-doubt and anger. Give your friend the necessary space and resume your life but create sufficient boundaries to safe-guard your heart.

 

Happy Happy New Year

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To everyone who read the blog, stumbled over, subscribed and even supported by suggesting what I should probably write about next- a very big thank you!

I pray that God blesses the work of your hands, I pray that he would turn your pain into joy-mostly I pray that you would grow in wisdom of who He is.

God bless

Fez

Ps – Don’t be afraid to comment, I really enjoy knowing what is on your heart.

Fezile, the one whom God loves

 

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It’s Christmas day and I am behind a PC ūüôā

I couldn’t go to bed without writing this post-today I went to church and as I was sitting watching the speaker share the message I realised that God gave me life, God gave me time and God has given me love.

As I reflected on what my Saviour has done for me I was filled with tremendous joy. The word says we have every spiritual blessing (Ephesians) and today it hit me that everything the word says I have-I truly have.

As I reflect on my life, I realised that if I were to go to Heaven now-I would have peace, not only ¬†because I would be in my Saviour’s arms-but I would have peace that I used everything the Lord told me to use and I have done what the Lord has said I must do-there is nothing more beautiful than that-to be in the complete will of God.

I used to think that if I had more money or a better house or many cars I would be complete-but friends, Jesus completes me, Jesus is my answer to the world’s deepest pain-Jesus is my everything.

I thank God that when he died for me more than 2000 years ago-he saw Fezile before him and he said I love her so much that I am willing to lay my life down for her. Jesus saw my whole life before him, my mistakes, my failures, my flaws-but even in all that-he still chose to die for me!

I boast of God’s love because honestly that love is the only one that hasn’t demanded me to be anything else than what I am. I know God loves me, I know that I am precious to Him and I know that I matter to Him. I know that when I am sad he feels my pain because he loves me. There isn’t anyone in this world who can ever tell me otherwise concerning God’s heart for me-I can speak confidently of that love because I have a relationship with my Father, I tell him everything and I know he hears every single prayer and he makes every effort to bring comfort and hope my way-because of the love he has for me.

God’s love humbles me because I don’t deserve it BUT he gives it to me regardless.

As we celebrate Christmas-what are you grateful to God for? As you reflect on God’s love for you-how have you grown? How has God’s love changed your life?

Let me know in the comment box below.

Blessings

P.S – If you need prayers concerning anything, just type in “pray” and the minute I see your comment I will pray with you-because YOU matter to God!¬†

 

 

I DON’T LIKE YOU!

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I struggle to understand why we hurt ourselves so much by doing this-forcing people to like us.¬† I want you to take the time to think about someone you dislike, is there ANYTHING that person can do to make you like them? Chances are…nothing right? Then why bother trying to be liked by someone who dislikes you?

We spend energy, time, and sometimes money impressing people who really don’t get moved by our presence. Think about that, their lives don’t get moved by your presence-meaning they don’t even acknowledge your existence! They really don’t care about you-but there you are breaking your back forcing yourself to be liked when essentially-you aren’t!

Let me ask you again, why do you bother?

You bother because you want affirmation: you want to be acknowledged by them, they hold some power over your life and you want to feel accepted, loved and normal. Someone out there holds your value in their hands because you have given your value over to them.

¬†What if someone valued you so much that they weren’t moved by your mistakes or any flaws that form who you are?

Thing is beloved you already ARE loved, you already ARE accepted and most of all Jesus doesn’t even want anything in return. You are loved unconditionally, no river is too wide, ocean too deep, mountain too high to express the depth, height, and width that is found in God’s love.

If you are cheapening yourself by thinking that you can buy acceptance then you are living a lie. Emotions can’t be bought, they are felt.Love cannot be expressed only- it is experienced.

When people love you their actions will demonstrate what’s in their hearts.

STOP focusing on people who are blocking your progression, if someone doesn’t like you, please send them off with a a basket full of goodies for their journey, why be bitter when they are creating space for a truckload of blessings?

Get to a point in your life whereby people’s departure out of your life doesn’t cause you to have a breakdown.

Always assess, if you did all you could and were not at fault-PLEASE open the front door FOR THEM and wish them well.

Let go of what needs to go and embrace what is coming to bless you.

You are enough
You are loved
You are priceless, treat yourself as such

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Letting go

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This is a reflective piece, I am really in a good place-almost bitter but definitely sweet. I feel like I have woken up-you know struggles sometimes can cause you to have a warped view of life-to the point that you don’t even see what God has given you.

My character was shaped this year,wow! I feel like I was in a furnace-like everything I held to was burnt right off me, all the people I thought were important to me turned to ashes right before my eyes, I was left vulnerable at times-but in all that God just reassured me to stay focused on Him, to trust him with his process concerning my life.

I am honestly a better version of myself, I say this because I don’t hold onto things like I used to, I don’t beg people to stay in my life anymore-it’s liberating to hold people in your life with an open palm so that they always know that when it’s time to go-they can always fly off. I don’t believe in failed friendships anymore-I am not a failure, I have learnt to eliminate that word from my vocabulary-instead I choose to see it as me having opened my heart and that person for whatever reason chose to live out their life without me-I didn’t leave , so how is it that I failed? ¬†I am done with such labels.

I laugh more now-I laugh deeply and loudly, I have learnt to let myself go-to truly enjoy Fez, to feel her and embrace her. I give myself second, third and fourth chances, I speak kindly to myself, I eat without judging myself-I enjoy every bite of that burger and that lick from that ice cream. I held onto being skinny for so long and at the same time I didn’t realise how sad I was becoming-sad that I was holding onto a physique that just isn’t me. I exercise and leave with a smile afterwards, I eat salads because I want to not because I am holding onto something that drains me. I don’t pound myself over things I am not good at, I celebrate the things I am good at, I celebrate those who are good at the things I am not-without feeling envious or inferior!

I am honestly in a beautiful place-I am living, I am smiling, I am doing ME.

I decided to let go of certain social media portals, I have Facebook on my own terms ( I purposefully chose to have no friends on it because personally my friends live life with me, so I don’t have spectators as friends).

I thank God for my marriage-it has grounded me, we don’t stifle each other-we give each other room to grow. I am growing in my marriage-my husband is my biggest cheerleader-he allows me to be myself, he gives me room to make my own mistakes without judging me. I stopped trying to control things, I stopped striving to have my marriage look like someone else’s and I started enjoying the mould it was becoming. I don’t feel the need to shove it in people’s faces either-I have let go of posting everything under the guise that we are happy-I’m done with the hashtag life because why hashtag when I can actually live out my reality?

You may be reading this and maybe you are thinking that this is a self-affirming post, well-it is, I mean why look for affirmation out there when I can give it myself? That’s why we don’t let people go when it’s their time to go because we use them sometimes to fill holes that are gaping in our lives and when they don’t, we feel like they don’t value us! My dear-learn to value yourself first, once you do that-you will never NEED people to tell you what you should be telling yourself.

Get a pen, a piece of paper and start writing down all the things that you don’t need anymore, if a friendship is getting too hard to maintain-leave, love yourself enough to leave. Don’t expect someone to love you if you aren’t loving yourself-if you are complaining about a partner that never appreciates you-well, have you appreciated yourself enough to confront them that you deserve better and you will get better if they don’t treat you well? My husband always says that we allow people to do things to us-we permit people we have allowed into our lives to abuse us-I have suffered emotional abuse and he always says: “Fez, you are the problem, not them-you, because you are permitting it.” It’s tough to receive but it’s the truth.

I don’t expand my time on useless things anymore-time is a resource-it isn’t guaranteed but we treat it with such disregard. I am very jealous over my time-I realise that it’s limited and honestly I don’t know when God will permit for it to stop-but whilst his grace has allowed it to keep ticking, I guard it jealously, it goes to people who deserve it-I don’t just throw it around anymore. I am a scarce resource-I am a valuable resource. I love what Paul in the Bible says: don’t think of yourself too highly, he doesn’t say don’t think of yourself highly-he just said too highly. So I think highly of myself-I have to so that I don’t get abused and mistreated, at the same time I always keep humility as my tag team partner because you never know when the too highly starts too creep in (know what I mean, hahahahah).

On a serious note-let things go that don’t build you, let people go whose season in your life is up and lastly let yourself go by starting to live!

I heard this song on the radio the other day and I loved the message – In the words of Nicki Minaj : How dare we sit quietly and watch life pass us by?

Be blessed

 

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WALKING AWAY

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There are people and relationships even friendships that are a complete waste of energy, you sit there and you wonder how someone can be so selfish, so self-centred and still breath! (Forgive my sarcasm).

Anyway-I actually sat down with myself and wondered why we put up with people like this, we allow them into our lives, we allow them into our sacred spaces-we invite them in our most vulnerable moments thinking that they are our most trusted and reliable friends-only to get a huge reality slap across the face that ,actually, you have been in this relationship alone.

So, let me speak for myself.

It’s very hard for me to let someone go-very very difficult because I don’t give 50% of my heart- I usually give 100% of my heart. I know people can hurt you blah blah blah but why live in fear? Why be a victim of past relationships by applying what someone did to you back then in a friendship you have now? With that said-unfortunately some people don’t value other people’s hearts, some people really don’t even know how to preciously look after a person’s heart.

There are people in this world who are so self-absorbed that they really struggle to appreciate what they are given. I am not here to be all self-righteous because you know what-I have done it too, the only difference is that those people never confronted me about it,but that doesn’t make me a saint -just to get that disclaimer out of the way.

Can I be real, please? Judgement aside.

I have become a victim of my own generosity of love. I have never realised how much time and patience it takes to love someone who continuously hurts you. There are friends in our lives who we keep because to let them go feels like letting go of ourselves, it feels more consuming to let things go as opposed to leaving the cancer to keep growing.

My husband said something so profound to me the other time-he said walking away doesn’t have to be an active process-you don’t always have to call someone and end things-just accept that the person you had hoped to grow more together in the friendship with is not as expectant as you are-allow the process to undergo itself passively.

Basically what he meant was that part of walking away can be passive-it doesn’t need to be this aggressive thing whereby you lay out all the faults the other person did, but you can mourn what the friendship could have become and just distance yourself quietly and allow the process of walking away to be a passive one.

So, I listened to this loving man and my friends and I have so much peace.

It is so draining sometimes to confront people and lay out their faults and lambaste them over their shortcomings-its actually more difficult and time-consuming to introspect and try to understand how the breakdown happened initially, how your own expectations may have been overbearing for the other person to maintain, also, how maybe you allowed the breakdown to happen yourself by not confronting issues that could have been solved a long time ago-but instead, brushed them under the carpet.

I am in the process of walking away from some of my friendships, passively. It’s liberating because for the first time I can actually see that the other person is actually content with not keeping contact, I can actually see that someone I thought was a friend-is actually an acquaintance – here I am was trying to force this person with my expectations to be my friend, but actually they were an acquaintance all along.

The saddest part about this process is hoping that the other person will see that you are walking away-the hope can get very heavy but each day you realise that you didn’t mean as much to that person as they meant to you.

I have moments when I get angry because I struggle to fathom how someone can be quiet when so much was invested in what I thought was OUR friendship. There are moments when I want to shut others out who are generously giving me their hearts because I am so beat up from watching a friendship demise before my eyes.

Essentially, I am learning something new about myself-it is OK to mourn. It is OK to accept that some people just don’t want to be your friend. It is OK to feel really let down by someone you thought you had a future with…it’s OK to walk away silently and cherish what the friendship was instead of what it could have been.

I don’t know what divorce feels like-but I can imagine, it’s a long drawn out process filled with papers and finger-pointing BUT when the files have been put away, the settlements drawn and the person you once called ‘husband’ or ‘wife’-stares at you with cold emotionless eyes as if the last years you spent meant nothing-man, I can totally imagine how hard picking yourself up and walking away from that feels like.

Walking away is so hard because the little dignity and strength you have left feels like nothing when you remember how much time and sweat was poured out into this person.

I want to encourage you with this, even if you must crawl out of toxic friendships-do it! Rather move slowly and quietly knowing that at least you still have yourself remaining; rather walk away passively knowing that you aren’t stuck in something that never was-imagine that?

Rather walk away knowing that you matter to someone-you matter to yourself!

You matter to God.