Brokenness.

I’ve been trying so hard to ignore writing about this specific topic for some time but the Holy Spirit keeps on nudging me to share and help bring healing in your life.

Have you ever felt so broken that you honestly feel like you’ll never ever be whole again? Have you ever felt so broken that you lost hope in ever feeling joy again?

Brokenness has a root, always, sometimes it takes time to find that root but it’s always there. Sometimes we have to search deep – it may even mean going as far back as our childhood to search for why we carry certain feelings and react in a certain way.

I remember a time when I was so deeply broken I actually went into depression, I didn’t know how I was going to come out of that depression all I knew and felt were deep festering wounds-I couldn’t conceal them anymore with makeup, I couldn’t hide them with my personality, I couldnt bury them anymore with my prefectly manicured image, I was dying and like all things that die – they begin to stink. Emotionally I was a mess, I was broken. The root was years and years of disappointment and feelings of rejection from the absence of a prominent figure in my life.

The manifestation of my brokenness was a bravado image – I felt like I didn’t need anyone in my life. The reason I felt like that was because I didn’t want to be disappointed anymore I didn’t want to trust somebody only to be let down again.

The other way my brokenness manifested was was that I took on a martyr role and I just felt that I could do everything by myself and that I didn’t need anybody to help me. I became self-sufficient so that I didn’t have to rely on anyone to help me because I didn’t want to feel rejected again.

There are many ways it manifests, for some its co-dependency: being with somebody who is toxic for you but you continue being in that relationship because you feel like you are fulfilling a need in that person and you feel that the person cannot really exist outside of you; basically they’re good for your self esteem that’s why you’re there. For others it’s being in an abusive relationship( and abuse – mind you- doesn’t have to be only physical) for some people persistently being in that abusive relationship and hearing the abuser apologizing over and over again affirms they’re worth because deep down they struggle with feelings of worthlessness.

Holy Spirit just tapped me on the shoulder and showed me how to deal with brokenness, I want to share that with you so you may be freed from that bondage.

1. Confess what you are broken about, give it a name.

For example: I am broken over my marriage not working out, or I’m broken over how distant we have become with my siblings, or I’m broken over the rape or molestation that I suffered.

2. Who broke you. Give the person a name and imagine that you are talking to them.

For example : X you broke me when you left me. Or Y you broke me when you cheated on me.

3. How did it make you feel when they broke you

Example : Y, when you cheated on me it made me feel unsafe in our relationship, I feel inadequate, I feel hurt over what you did.

4. How did you contribute towards your own brokenness. Yes this is the part that we don’t want to own but knowingly or unknowingly we contribute to it as well.

Example : Y, when you cheated on me I contributed to hurting myself by not leaving, or by not setting up boundaries, or by not being firm enough with you to make you realise that behavior is not allowed.

Lastly – forgive the person and yourself

I forgive you for breaking my heart, I forgive you for leaving me for someone else and I forgive myself for habouring this pain for so long.

You can do this exercise without the person who hurt you being there, even if the person is dead – it doesn’t mean that the wounds they’ve left you with are healed – address it.

Pray that God strengthens you, pray that he opens up all those doors you’ve closed in your heart and even if it hurts – just know that healing is awaiting you and that letting go will bring more joy and peace in your life.

Be blessed. You are loved ♥

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Loving someone who doesn’t love you

 

There is nothing more painful in this world than knowing that you love someone dearly, but they don’t love you back. There is no higher form of rejection than that kind. I don’t know if you have seen children playing and one comes with toys to also join in-and the others just all pack up and leave that child behind. It stabs at your heart just witnessing it-now imagine what it does to that child’s heart-it’s a break in the heart that no amount of reassurance can mend.

I know what it feels like to love someone who doesn’t love you back; I’ve been there.

You feel like something is wrong with you, you feel like you are not enough-inadequate in every sense of the word. The sad thing is that comparisons start to creep in and you feel like someone else would be better for that person , you feel like maybe if you were smarter, better looking that person would love you back. I have witnessed people change who they were to try and be loved, I once heard one woman say : “he loves blondes-so I will dye my hair blonde and have long hair if that’s what it takes to keep him.”

Beloved-that statement crushed my heart because every single day this person hopes and prays that one day they will be noticed, they will be affirmed, they will be valued-they will be loved. but that day never comes! You start living in this false hope that this person will change, you even start making excuses for them as to why they can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved.

My question is- how did you even value yourself less to be stuck in a situation like that? How did you look down on yourself to find yourself so dependent on another human to validate your being? Do you honestly believe that you can’t be loved? Do you honestly believe that there isn’t someone in this world who can understand and value all of you?

I look back now and realise that I had traded in unconditional love for superficiality. I traded in my value to become a replica of someone else so that I could experience love-yes beloved, I became that desperate once in my life. I became that desperate because in all honestly I didn’t see what my value was as a person, I needed someone else to see that in me.

This made me realise that Jesus goes through this with us everyday-He waits, he knocks, He waits again but in all that , he loves us even when we say :”not today Lord.” He loves us unconditionally even when we stop talking to him for years, he continues to love us when we curse him for the hardships we have to endure, he loves us even when we stop doing his will and turn to other things to fill us up-Jesus remains there!

The lesson I learnt from Jesus is that only he is capable of loving unconditionally-only he has that kind of heart that pursues man even in the face of severe rejection. I also learnt that you can’t force someone to love you-you can only demonstrate that love and hope that they will see it and reciprocate it. He taught me as well to not base my love on someone else but rather to love people besides themselves-not to love because I am anticipating something back, but rather to just love because they need it. The Lord taught me to always remember that if I know my value in Him, if I know how priceless I am to him- I am able to love others without needing their affirmation.

Beloved-you may be stuck in a loveless relationship right now, you are considering divorce-you are considering separation. You are tired of holding onto to someone who doesn’t even acknowledge your presence, you are tired of trying to be the better person, you are tired of lying to people that you are happy when deep down you feel empty. You are tired of faking a happy marriage when you can see that this person’s heart is nowhere near you. Maybe you have even been deceived into thinking by being with someone else things will be better-maybe you have even indulged and broken the vows of your marriage.

I understand your pain

But, you need to acknowledge your actions and realise that because you never knew the love of your first Husband-you went and looked for a second-hand type of love. You need to understand that desperation will lead to to make costly mistakes that you will later regret. Beloved, in as much as you may want that divorce, the truth is no one can love you better than Jesus, if you don’t know that kind of love-you will find yourself in your second, third even fourth marriage and you will find yourself cheating in between because you want to be loved.

We cheat on the Lord because we trade in His love for the superficial things of this world. I love my husband not because he loves me back, but I am able to love him because I know of a greater love than his. My husband may disappoint  me at times-but I always know who to run to in moments like that, I run to my first love-Jesus. It’s easier to love my husband because he loves me back but when I made my vows I chose to love him even if he might decide one day not love me back. It sounds crazy but what I’m saying is that the love I know the Lord has for me makes me able to love despite what others may do to me.

I’m not saying get divorced, and I am also not saying stay. I am saying stop the cycle of thinking a human being can love you the way you deserve to be loved-yes, some people may try but it’s never 100 percent, there comes a point where they may fail you. You have failed your children haven’t you? It’s not that you wanted to, but you are human-it happens.

Know the Love of Christ first-it’s complete! It fulfills our entire being. It transcends what anyone can ever give you. Run to him with open arms-he has been waiting to shower you with the love that your soul has been longing  for-he wants to drench you with his love-he want to shower you with praise. He wants to show you off to all the world, replenish your weary soul- he wants to love you back!

You belong to Him.

 

(Image : http://quotes.land)