Fezile, the one whom God loves

 

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It’s Christmas day and I am behind a PC ūüôā

I couldn’t go to bed without writing this post-today I went to church and as I was sitting watching the speaker share the message I realised that God gave me life, God gave me time and God has given me love.

As I reflected on what my Saviour has done for me I was filled with tremendous joy. The word says we have every spiritual blessing (Ephesians) and today it hit me that everything the word says I have-I truly have.

As I reflect on my life, I realised that if I were to go to Heaven now-I would have peace, not only ¬†because I would be in my Saviour’s arms-but I would have peace that I used everything the Lord told me to use and I have done what the Lord has said I must do-there is nothing more beautiful than that-to be in the complete will of God.

I used to think that if I had more money or a better house or many cars I would be complete-but friends, Jesus completes me, Jesus is my answer to the world’s deepest pain-Jesus is my everything.

I thank God that when he died for me more than 2000 years ago-he saw Fezile before him and he said I love her so much that I am willing to lay my life down for her. Jesus saw my whole life before him, my mistakes, my failures, my flaws-but even in all that-he still chose to die for me!

I boast of God’s love because honestly that love is the only one that hasn’t demanded me to be anything else than what I am. I know God loves me, I know that I am precious to Him and I know that I matter to Him. I know that when I am sad he feels my pain because he loves me. There isn’t anyone in this world who can ever tell me otherwise concerning God’s heart for me-I can speak confidently of that love because I have a relationship with my Father, I tell him everything and I know he hears every single prayer and he makes every effort to bring comfort and hope my way-because of the love he has for me.

God’s love humbles me because I don’t deserve it BUT he gives it to me regardless.

As we celebrate Christmas-what are you grateful to God for? As you reflect on God’s love for you-how have you grown? How has God’s love changed your life?

Let me know in the comment box below.

Blessings

P.S – If you need prayers concerning anything, just type in “pray” and the minute I see your comment I will pray with you-because YOU matter to God!¬†

 

 

Letting go

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This is a reflective piece, I am really in a good place-almost bitter but definitely sweet. I feel like I have woken up-you know struggles sometimes can cause you to have a warped view of life-to the point that you don’t even see what God has given you.

My character was shaped this year,wow! I feel like I was in a furnace-like everything I held to was burnt right off me, all the people I thought were important to me turned to ashes right before my eyes, I was left vulnerable at times-but in all that God just reassured me to stay focused on Him, to trust him with his process concerning my life.

I am honestly a better version of myself, I say this because I don’t hold onto things like I used to, I don’t beg people to stay in my life anymore-it’s liberating to hold people in your life with an open palm so that they always know that when it’s time to go-they can always fly off. I don’t believe in failed friendships anymore-I am not a failure, I have learnt to eliminate that word from my vocabulary-instead I choose to see it as me having opened my heart and that person for whatever reason chose to live out their life without me-I didn’t leave , so how is it that I failed? ¬†I am done with such labels.

I laugh more now-I laugh deeply and loudly, I have learnt to let myself go-to truly enjoy Fez, to feel her and embrace her. I give myself second, third and fourth chances, I speak kindly to myself, I eat without judging myself-I enjoy every bite of that burger and that lick from that ice cream. I held onto being skinny for so long and at the same time I didn’t realise how sad I was becoming-sad that I was holding onto a physique that just isn’t me. I exercise and leave with a smile afterwards, I eat salads because I want to not because I am holding onto something that drains me. I don’t pound myself over things I am not good at, I celebrate the things I am good at, I celebrate those who are good at the things I am not-without feeling envious or inferior!

I am honestly in a beautiful place-I am living, I am smiling, I am doing ME.

I decided to let go of certain social media portals, I have Facebook on my own terms ( I purposefully chose to have no friends on it because personally my friends live life with me, so I don’t have spectators as friends).

I thank God for my marriage-it has grounded me, we don’t stifle each other-we give each other room to grow. I am growing in my marriage-my husband is my biggest cheerleader-he allows me to be myself, he gives me room to make my own mistakes without judging me. I stopped trying to control things, I stopped striving to have my marriage look like someone else’s and I started enjoying the mould it was becoming. I don’t feel the need to shove it in people’s faces either-I have let go of posting everything under the guise that we are happy-I’m done with the hashtag life because why hashtag when I can actually live out my reality?

You may be reading this and maybe you are thinking that this is a self-affirming post, well-it is, I mean why look for affirmation out there when I can give it myself? That’s why we don’t let people go when it’s their time to go because we use them sometimes to fill holes that are gaping in our lives and when they don’t, we feel like they don’t value us! My dear-learn to value yourself first, once you do that-you will never NEED people to tell you what you should be telling yourself.

Get a pen, a piece of paper and start writing down all the things that you don’t need anymore, if a friendship is getting too hard to maintain-leave, love yourself enough to leave. Don’t expect someone to love you if you aren’t loving yourself-if you are complaining about a partner that never appreciates you-well, have you appreciated yourself enough to confront them that you deserve better and you will get better if they don’t treat you well? My husband always says that we allow people to do things to us-we permit people we have allowed into our lives to abuse us-I have suffered emotional abuse and he always says: “Fez, you are the problem, not them-you, because you are permitting it.” It’s tough to receive but it’s the truth.

I don’t expand my time on useless things anymore-time is a resource-it isn’t guaranteed but we treat it with such disregard. I am very jealous over my time-I realise that it’s limited and honestly I don’t know when God will permit for it to stop-but whilst his grace has allowed it to keep ticking, I guard it jealously, it goes to people who deserve it-I don’t just throw it around anymore. I am a scarce resource-I am a valuable resource. I love what Paul in the Bible says: don’t think of yourself too highly, he doesn’t say don’t think of yourself highly-he just said too highly. So I think highly of myself-I have to so that I don’t get abused and mistreated, at the same time I always keep humility as my tag team partner because you never know when the too highly starts too creep in (know what I mean, hahahahah).

On a serious note-let things go that don’t build you, let people go whose season in your life is up and lastly let yourself go by starting to live!

I heard this song on the radio the other day and I loved the message – In the words of Nicki Minaj : How dare we sit quietly and watch life pass us by?

Be blessed

 

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Awaiting the appointed time

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There is nothing more beautiful than watching things manifest over your life at their appointed time ; knowing that God saw that moment for you and allowed all that you had hoped for to manifest in that time.

People have asked me,¬† when are you having children of your own. It’s not a sinister question but in my heart I’m thinking I don’t even think you know how much I’m anticipating having them. It’s not that they can’t be conceived, it’s¬†just¬†that it’s not the appointed time.

The beauty of waiting is that you can plan, you can hope and dream.

I have dreamt of holding my children more now that I have ever before, this shows me that we are drawing nearer to having them.

I’m reminded of Abraham,¬† God told him when he would have his son. I can imagine how for many years Abraham dreamt of holding his son, how he imagined how he would ¬†teach him many things – including loving the Lord fiercely. I can imagine how he longed to see him grow up and continue the legacy he started. Abraham may have gotten to a point whereby be felt like this won’t happen for me anymore – we see how he even considers giving his inheritance to his servant, he honestly thought being a father was not the plan¬†God had for his life. But God had another plan,¬† God rekindled his dream¬†and allowed him to plan for his son again, he allowed him to hope for a child again.

Maybe you are reading this and you are asking God when, maybe you have given up already, maybe you have grown so tired of holding an imaginary baby in your hands and you are saying God, this is enough torture!

I’m here to encourage you to hold onto that baby, hold onto that dream.¬† Press directly into God’s face and tell him that your aren’t leaving until he blesses you.

I have planned for my children, I know their names,¬† I know their traits already,¬† the beauty of faith is that you see things that haven’t manifested in the physical yet,¬† you can touch things that others can’t see,¬† you plan and move as if those things are there already!

Big dreams require active faith! Your faith may be the size of a granule of sand, but are your actions accompanying that faith? Trusting God requires you to put your hope in him, there is no point saying you are waiting on the Lord when you already have a plan B, you may find you have more hope in plan B working out than trusting God to pull through for you.

You may say- it’s easy to have a child- it most certainly is, HOWEVER-is the time appointed? Hope means that I trust in someone greater than I am for what is best for my life, hope is removing yourself from the equation in order to put God in the centre, hope means I give all my strength in trying things on my own and instead I put my faith in Jesus.¬†Who is your hope? Are you not tired of seeing things fail in front of your eyes?

I am eagerly awaiting my appointed time because I have faith in a God who never disappoints, my hope is in a God who has never failed me- I would rather wait for his promises to manifest in my life than to try things on my own outside of his grace.

I believe in waiting, I have seen the benefits of waiting upon the Lord. I have seen many breakthroughs over my life as a result of waiting upon the Lord.

You might ask “what do you do whilst waiting?”

I jot down all my requests to the Lord in a book called my Faithbook. Let me let you in on this book. So I started this book whilst waiting for the promises of God to manifest in my life. I started writing everything I was trusting God for. Some of the things I had hoped for manifested 3 years after I wrote them down-does that mean God was late? No! It means that was the appointed time-God saw it fit for me to receive those blessings physically then. Habbakuk 2 tells us to write the vision down as it will manifest at an appointed time! See, you have got to catch the time beloved, you have got to align yourself with God’s timing.

Another thing I do is I plan my life as if what I am hoping for has already manifested. My husband taught me this spiritual tool. My husband was putting his faith out to get a new phone-needless to say he got it, but the way he exercised his faith muscle to get that phone was really awesome, he would YouTube reviews about this phone, he read every possible article about this phone, he thanked God for this phone, he would go into cellphone shops and hold the phone as if it was his already, he would come home and tell me about all the specifications-he lived as if it was there already. There are so many examples I could give you but this one is more ,meaningful and funny because there was a time I thought he has lost his mind-you see, faith doesn’t make sense-faith will make you aspire for things your bank account screams “IMPOSSIBLE.”

I¬†also¬†praise God whilst waiting. It’s so beautiful to praise God whilst waiting for a breakthrough, it’s such an exhilarating feeling knowing that he will come through for you-its beautiful knowing that he takes pleasure and delight in knowing that you are relying on him completely. Praise allows you to take the focus off yourself-it allows you to truly worship God for who he is and not just for what he can give you, it draws you closer to him in a special way.

I share with others what my hopes are  (when the Spirit leads) -this is me exercising my faith muscle right now! I am letting you in on a glimpse of what I am trusting God for-needless to say-2 people have confirmed what I am trusting God for, this encourages me to wait further for his appointed time, because I know he will give me the best.

My favourite scripture at the moment is Phillipians 4:6 : Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God.

The beauty about waiting is the peace-the peace that transcends all understanding, the peace that says- be still and know that I am God

I have a testimony in waiting in which I will share the beautiful things God has done and is still doing in my season of waiting.

You know what- you can have that testimony too- all it takes is you ceasing to trust in yourself and instead to put your hope in Jesus-he never fails.

Will it even matter?

Our obsession with materialism and superficiality has led me to take some time to really look at the fundamentals of life-to really step back and look at the bigger picture.

The bigger picture is this in most instances- we are born, we learn to walk,talk and all the development milestones that come with this stage of life; we become more aware of ourselves, carve out our identity; we branch out into the world by ourselves; we discover someone we find compatible with ourselves; we marry and see the need to expand-thus have children; we get old and frail and ultimately,yes-we die!

The beauty of this bigger picture is that LIFE happens in between, memories are built to accompany this bigger picture-struggles and challenges are met along the way, victories and joys come besides us. The beauty is that we adapt to circumstances we never knew we could possibly overcome, we make new friendships, salvage the ones that were once lost-we discover new hobbies and interests…my point is : WE LIVE!

The question is-in your living, what are you building? what are you doing with your time? If you look back at who you were five years ago-are you satisfied, can you atleast smile and say: “YES! I lived and I’m still living.” The fundamental truth about life my friend is that time moves, however, with time moving-you dont have to look back at your past and allow it to define your present; also- you don’t have to stop living because you feel like your glory years have passed-what about now? what about the future?

I sat one day and asked myself some real questions-basically what sparked this is that I have gained some weight, I looked at all my pictures from the past, the pictures I took at my most successful, pictures I took when deep down inside I was supposed to be most proud of myself, instead, most pictures I looked at I kept thinking how fat I had felt in them, how concerned with my image I was- back then I was a shadow of who I am now,but I wasn’t content. I continued to be critical and judgemental towards myself-heck, I can’t even remember the joy and fulfillment of being in the moment without entertaining harsh thoughts towards myself.

I remember looking at people in critical care, people in palliative care fighting to have a chance to have a decent quality of life-fighting to ward off the pain that came with illness, fighting to walk out into the sunshine and feel the sun on their skin, fighting to feel their legs carry them without feeling like a burden to others- and here I was busy disqualifying myself over things that really don’t matter-busy messing with my bigger picture instead of embracing it.

The thing is when you are at your deathbed-the thoughts that erode your mind aren’t going to be about your weight or what a bad public speaker you think you are, no, the thoughts I believe that come at you like a violent force are- why didn’t I run more? Why didn’t I make more of a difference in my family? What would have happened if I wrote that book? ¬†I should have reached out to my siblings more, I wish I attended more plays that my children participated in, how did I miss the stages of my life-the growth and transformation?

The thing is my friend-regret is an open wound, we may find ways to adapt to its pain-but it remains there. The question essentially is-will it even matter that you don’t speak or write so well,that you feel you might not look so great, that you don’t have much money or you have alot of money? At the end of the day-you leave it all behind, it stays where you found it!

The most regrettable thing other than having all these things or not even having them is failure-failure to be free, failure to do the very thing that you are afraid of; and that is becoming who God called you to be, becoming YOU!

One moment you are fat-the next you are skinny, who cares. One moment you are rich, the next you are poor; you have many friends you have few friends. Does it even matter to please people, when people are just fickle. People are so fickle, they are unstable, they lack consistency-yet, we invest our all in seeking their approval and ultimately, they let us down-time and time again.

The irony is that you will read this right now and it’ll make sense, you may even ask yourself,”Lord, why do I do what I do? when I should be seeking you more and pleasing only you, because you never disappoint.” You will read this and ask yourself these kind of questions but as soon as you walk away from your screen, you will succumb right back into that prison that continues to hold you captive-the prison that you set up-the prison of your mind.

Isn’t that funny?

Why can’t you just be strong and courageous by doing what you are meant to do-what you were created to do by just trusting God and being secure in who He says you are?

Will the things you hold onto even matter when the King of Glory is before you?

Does it even matter?